My Surrogacy Journey

Is it over yet?

2011-09-09T00:37:00.001-05:00

When I got that call on Sunday that the beta hCG levels have stalled and to stop the meds I thought that was it...it was over. I wondered to myself what the point was of going in on Tuesday to have the levels checked again. I almost backed out. I started bleeding that morning. I thought I was starting to miscarry. On the one hand it was a sad sight because I knew what it meant. On the other hand I was thankful that it was happening quick. At least I thought it was. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started.

I went to my appointment certain that the hCG levels had dropped significantly. If there is one thing this journey has taught me is to not expect anything with any certainty. Imagine my surprise when I was told I needed to come back to the clinic right away to have an exam because my beta hCG had risen to 205. The fear now was ectopic. I made the hour drive back to the clinic to meet with the RE. We went over the series of events over the past week. He decided to do an ultrasound to see if he could find any inflammation in the tubes. He was unable to find anything at all. There was no visible sac in the uterus nor anything visible in either tube. He said that it did not mean there was nothing there but likely too small for him to see. When he walked out he looked back and told me his opinion was that it was not an ectopic pregnancy. He ordered another beta hCG to make sure the levels had come down from that morning. My belief is that he took into account that I had some bleeding that morning and concluded that I already started to pass the pregnancy.

It was not until the next morning that the nurse called me with the results. In the five hours from the first beta to the second the hCG level went from 205 to 234. Due to the bouncing levels and the fact that there was no visible sac in the uterus it was finally concluded that this is in fact an ectopic pregnancy. I was told I needed to come in as soon as I could and receive a shot of Methotrexate. This drug attacks the embryo at a cellular level and stops it from growing. I did some reading up on it the night before because I wanted to know what would happen if I had to have this shot. I read what it does and I knew how it worked walking into the clinic, but for some reason when I got there it all hit me at once. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The nurse said there was no way of knowing if there was a healthy baby growing in there but it was absolutely necessary to terminate it for my sake. I know my health is supposed to come first. It does. I made a promise to my family that I would put my health first, but knowing what was going on inside of me, what we had done the moment that shot was injected, made me ill. I am still struggling with it. We had no choice, I know.

It's hard to believe all of this happened only yesterday. I feel like it has been days. Today especially dragged. I feel like I am being torn into two. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. Only my family and close friends know what it really going on. Everyone else just knows that we were pregnant and we lost it. Everyone wants to know how I am doing. I tell them I am doing okay. I'm lying. I am a mess of emotions right now but they don't need to know that. I give my husband a kiss good night and I turn over on my side to cry in silence. I don't want him to worry. I don't want my kids to see my pain. I don't want to be pitied and I don't want to be judged by others. I'm afraid if I tell them how I really feel it will bring all those emotions to the surface and I will lose it. I hate crying in front of people. Talking about it is not exactly therapeutic. I know people mean well and I appreciate the concern. I just don't know how to politely say I don't want to talk about it. That's why when they ask how I am doing I am okay. I will be okay.

2011-09-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

Let me go back to Thursday evening. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and noticed a spot of of pinkish-brown blood in my underwear. When I cleaned myself I noticed quite a bit more. Between seeing that and the pain I was having in my side I got scared. I did not know what to do so I called the after hours nurse. She said it could be one of three things; leftover blood from implantation, one of the chorionic villi pulling away, or possibly from an ectopic pregnancy. She was more concerned with the pain in my side than the bleeding. She suggested I take some Tylenol and try to get some rest. If things got worse throughout the night I was to go to their ER. She was going to consult with RE in the morning and let me know what he wanted me to do. I was so tired that I had no problem sleeping that night. The pain had mostly subsided by morning. I continued to have brown discharge throughout the day. RE said it sounded like it was old blood left over from implantation. By Saturday I was feeling fine and the spotting had stopped.

Despite what had happened I was feeling confident going in to have my levels checked on Sunday. Unfortunately the news was not good. My hCG level was 142. That was up from 133 on Wednesday. To maintain a normal doubling time my levels should have been over 500. My progesterone was up to 37 which was great but it was a little too late. I was told to stop all meds. They do want me to come back on Tuesday to have my levels checked again. They would still like to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. If my levels continue to bounce around they will give me a shot of Methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy.

My heart is heavy with sadness for the parents but I am trying so hard to keep it together for my family. I can't say I know exactly how IPs are doing right now. I have only talked to them through text messages. They said they were disappointed in the news and they wanted to know how I was doing. They have been amazingly supportive through this. I hope I was able to offer the same support to them. I wanted so much for this to work for them. I thought it was going to work this time. I feel like I just got off another roller coaster. I don't understand how this keeps happening. I have been reassured over and over that it's not me. I have had three different REs tell me as much. But why does this keep happening? Why do we always wind up in this same spot? I realize each situation was different and it's hard to compare them but the result is still the same. These families are still without a baby. I'm not saying I am giving up hope. Right now I am just trying to process everything that has happened over the past few weeks, especially this past week. I am certainly not giving up. There is a possibility we will try again with their frozen embryos. I was told by the nurse that there were two that made it to freeze. Once we get the results from Tuesday, pending everything checks out okay, IPs will have a consultation appointment with RE. Hopefully I will be cleared to continue and we won't have to wait too long before we can try again.

I am still having some pregnancy symptoms which does not make this any easier. I am a little scared of what will happen when I start to miscarry. The last miscarriage was awful. I don't want to go through that again. I am praying this time will be easier. I am not as far along as last time so hopefully that will make a difference. The anticipation of when I will start is nerve wracking. I want it to hurry up and happen so I can get it over with. It is hard to find peace with all that has happened when it is still happening. I want to be at a point where I can look forward and move forward.

2011-09-01T20:05:00.002-05:00

I went in for another beta HCG test yesterday morning. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I practically paced the floor all day waiting to hear back about the results. IM sent me a text around 1pm asking if I had heard anything. Neither of us were feeling very patient and the day seemed to be dragging. I finally could not take it anymore so I called the clinic around 3:00. The nurse picked up on her extension right away. She said IM had just called her a few moments before to inquire about the results. Looks like we both reached our limit! Lol. We needed my HCG level to be around 60 to consider the possibility of this being a viable pregnancy. The numbers came back at 133! We were super excited to hear that. I knew my numbers went up but I did not realize it would be that much. The whole way to the clinic that morning I was praying for triple digits. Thank you God for answering that prayer! That gave us the peace of mind we needed. Although, we are not completely out of the woods we do feel more confident in the outcome.

The nurse called back this morning to tell me that RE was very pleased with the results yesterday. He wants me to come back on Sunday to have the levels checked again. They also want to check the progesterone levels. I started the progesterone injections last night. I decided to do it myself. Giving myself the injection was not the problem, it was when I pulled the needle out and blood shot out from the injection site that had me concerned. I did not see any blood in the needle but I was worried that I hit a vessel and injected the oil solution into my bloodstream instead of my muscle. I am not one to get faint at the sight of blood but when I saw that last night I immediately felt light headed and sick to my stomach. I had to lay down for a few minutes. For a little while after that I felt a little shaky. I did ask the nurse about it when she called this morning. She said I probably nicked a vessel when I pulled the needle out. I am sore today but no bruising so it must not have been too bad. Tonight DH gets to do it. Lucky him. Hehe!

I am praying we receive more good news on Sunday. If the results look good then we will get to schedule out first ultrasound. I can't wait!

The word of the day: HOPE!

2011-08-30T12:18:00.004-05:00

Sunday I woke up feeling queasy. I decided to take a home pregnancy test(hpt) to see if it would show anything, fully expecting it not to. The test states that the lowest HCG levels it can detect are 25miU. With our level being 16 the day before I thought the level of HCG would still be too low to detect. I was surprised when the test line came up right away. There was no holding it up to the light to see the line or taking it apart and staring at the line intensely. You POAS-aholics know what I am talking about! Lol! No, that line was there. Seeing that gave me renewed hope.

My symptoms have been persistent the past three days. Every day is the same. I wake up around 4:45-5am every morning. My normal wake time is around 6am. For some strange reason I wake really early when I am pregnant. I did the same with all of my pregnancies. It was one of my first indications I was PG with my youngest daughter. I am also starting to have some morning sickness. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I feel like my stomach is unsettled. It gets a little better when I eat something but not completely. I have taken to eating crackers throughout the day to try to curve it. One of my other early indicators is the veins in my breasts. During pregnancy the veins become prominent, otherwise they are hardly visible. All last week leading up to the beta I kept checking my breasts for changes but there were none. On Sunday I notice the veins standing out a bit more. Yesterday morning my breasts had a purple look to them from all of the veins that had surfaced. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture for you? ;-) Okay, no one ever said pregnancy was glamorous. Regardless, I am happy to have it all!

Since the HCG levels have a typical doubling time of 48hrs I decided to test again this morning. I knew that if the levels went up I would be able to notice a difference in the intensity of the line. I was once again pleased to see the line show up immediately. I was ecstatic when I saw how dark the line was. There was no denying the difference between the first test and the second. What do you think?

Between the tests and the symptoms I can't help but to feel hopeful. IPs are continuing to stay positive as well. I am anxious for tomorrows results. Praying for higher numbers all around.

We are still hanging in there!

2011-08-27T21:26:00.001-05:00

The results today were unexpected. Good because the HCG level went from 4.6 to 16. It did a little more than triple which is hopeful, but still a low number. The other concern is my progesterone level. At 2.9 it is very low. I spoke to a different nurse today and she was not sympathetic in the least. In a matter of fact way she said she does not believe this to be a viable pregnancy based on the hormone levels. The RE wanted me to start progesterone injections right away. The problem with that is that it is the weekend and I can’t get anything delivered until Monday. The fertility clinic did not have any on hand to give me. None of the local pharmacies had any. For now I will increase the progesterone cream to twice a day instead of the once a day I was doing. I have to return to the clinic on Wednesday and have my levels checked again.

What I want to know is why did they not check my progesterone levels with the first blood draw? I thought it was standard practice to run progesterone levels and estrogen levels along with the beta HCG. I know the previous clinics did. I’m not trying to discredit this clinic I just don’t understand why that part was left out. What if it would have made a difference to start the progesterone injections following the first test? Naturally I am confused and upset over everything that is going on. I want answers so I am looking at this from every possible angle.

We are trying to remain hopeful. I talked to IM today and they are just as confused as I am. We don’t know how to feel to be honest. We were torn because on the one hand the HCG did more than we expected it to. We want to be happy about that but we are worried about the progesterone levels. I wondered if it was possible that the embryo implanted late in the cycle. IPs were thinking along the same lines. We have both been trying to research as much as possible. There is a lot of discouraging reads out there but there are also some that were encouraging. I ready one where a woman started out with and HCG level of 4.3 and she now has a healthy son that resulted from that pregnancy. There were several that had low progesterone and with supplements were able to go on to have a healthy pregnancy. It is possible that we can beat the odds too? With God all things are possible! We will continue to pray for our miracle.

I guess I should start praying for patience as well. Wednesday seems so far away! I want answers and I want to be able to give this family some good news now! The waiting is hard. The not knowing is hard. This whole process leading up to this was difficult enough for all of us but much more so for IPs. Don’t they deserve some good news?

Trying to stay hopeful

2011-08-26T20:08:00.000-05:00

So I actually started to get my hopes up. Late Wednesday I had a bout of nausea. Thursday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open all day. I had a little bit of nausea that morning before going in for the beta HCG. I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or if I was finally starting to feel pregnancy symptoms. I tried not to look too much into it. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I got the call around 1:00pm. I was told the results were positive for pregnancy. My excitement was short lived when she added a “but”. We were pregnant but the numbers were extremely low. My heart sank. The nurse said it is looking like a chemical pregnancy. The embryo implanted but likely failed to develop. That is what she is speculating anyway. They want to check my levels again on Saturday. She added that she has never had a patient come in with low numbers like this and have them double, but that I could surprise them. I am trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s not looking good. I have been praying over this ever since I heard the news. I know miracles can happen. We could use a miracle right about now.

Scared

2011-08-24T08:41:00.001-05:00

Moment of truth tomorrow! I am a nervous wreck. I want so bad to be able to give IPs good news tomorrow but am fearful that I won’t be able to. I keep waiting for some defining sign of being pregnant. Through my four pregnancies and my surrogacies I have become pretty good at reading my body. I’m just not feeling it this time. I hope to God I am wrong. I have tried very hard to stay positive but it’s hard. I feel absurdly normal right now. I have no symptoms. I did have some cramping from 4dpt to 7dpt. Now it just feels like I am getting ready to start my cycle. I’m sad and I am scared. I am praying for strength, for peace (within myself and with the situation), and most of all I am praying for a miracle! I have already decided I was not going to pursue surrogacy any further if it did not work this time. It is getting to be too much physically and emotionally. Should our results be negative tomorrow and IPs want to try again I will continue with them but when they are done I am done. I have given so much of myself to do this. This has been a part of who I am for the past 3 years. It’s like if I don’t do this I will feel incomplete. I wanted more than anything to help these families. If I feel incomplete I can only image how they feel. I don't want to let them down.

Here we go again!

2011-08-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

It’s been awhile! I am happy to say I am continuing my efforts as a surrogate. I was matched with a wonderful couple in November of 2010. When I had first talked to IM on the phone I had an instant feeling that we would be a good match. We had a lot of the same beliefs and feelings about the pregnancy and what type of relationship we would like to have after the birth. We both felt that we could not go through something like this without forming a special bond. While the bond I anticipate having with the baby would not be that of my own child, I do anticipate caring a great deal about my little friend. It is important to me to maintain contact after the baby is born. It’s not just about the baby it’s about watching this family that I helped create grow together.

The process was a bit drawn out this go round. IPs are using a different RE so I had to transfer my complete medical history to the new clinic. I appreciate them being so thorough but it was a lot of information to pull together. They wanted the history from each of my own pregnancies and my surrogacy history. That included 3 different OB’s, 2 different hospitals, and 2 different RE’s. It took months to get it all together. By the time we were done the RE was given a novel of my reproductive life. After reviewing all of my information I was approved as a gestational carrier.

It had been a couple of years since I had my psych evaluation so the RE required that I repeat it. The questionnaire was even better the second time around. Haha! I was able to meet with the same counselor as last time. I am really glad I had the opportunity to talk to her again. I talked to her about my concerns and my hopes. Of course I was nervous given my experiences as a surrogate to date. My biggest fear is letting this family down. I know what is at stake here. I want more than anything to be able to give this family the baby they so want and deserve. I had to work through my issues of feeling like a failure when the previous attempts did not work. I have to believe it is all a part of God’s plan. I still feel like I was lead on this path for a reason and I am determined to see this through. God willing!

This journey was a bit different from the others since this time is a fresh embryo transfer. I was excited for the chance to try a fresh transfer. I definitely had to have a bit more patience this go round. There was no set schedule. I was spoiled with my frozen transfers in that aspect. ;-) At least I knew what to expect and when. When I was given my schedule this time it had the word “tentative” written all over it. I knew this going into it so I was ready for whatever they needed to me to do when they needed me to do it. The medication protocol was different this time as well. I had to do Lupron injections for a month before the retrieval. I had horrible headaches right after starting the injections. I did some research and found out that the Lupron tanks your estrogen levels causing menopause like symptoms. I had the hot flashes and fatigue as well. Not fun! As soon as I started introducing my estrogen patches the headaches began to subside. No progesterone injections this time. I was thankful for that. They have me on Crinone which is a gel. It’s not as bad as the suppositories I was on previously but still not my favorite thing to do. I shouldn’t complain. At least it’s not the shots! I think DH was a bit relieved with that as well.

Everything went well with my appointments. I responded to the medications well. At my first lining check I was all set for transfer. My hormone levels have been great. All I had to do was wait for IM to trigger and have her retrieval. I did not get a chance to talk to her much while we were cycling but I thought of her constantly. I was hoping she was handling the medications well. When we did talk I found out she had the same issues with the Lupron. Other than that she responded fairly well to her meds. There was a slight delay when they did her follicle scan. The first scan showed 8 mature follicles on one ovary and 4 follicles on the other ovary that had not yet matured. She went in a few days later and they said she was still not quite ready to trigger. IM was disappointed in the news. I couldn’t blame her. I tried to stay positive for the both of us. They increased her medications that evening and had her come back the following morning. We got the good news that afternoon that she was ready to trigger. They schedule the egg retrieval/fertilization two days later. They were able to retrieve 18 eggs! We were very excited to have that many to work with, especially considering the concerns we had just a few days before. The only downside was that IM was in pain for a few days following the retrieval. It sounds like they worked very hard to get those eggs. Bless her!

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. Of the 11, 9 embryos made it to transfer with 7 of them good for transfer. We decided to transfer the 2 best embryos. We had one that was a 4BB and the other was a grade 3 the morning of the transfer. By the time they checked the embryos as we were getting ready to transfer the number two embie was upgraded to a 4BB. We were all elated with the news. The doctor seemed to be pleased as well. DH, IM, and IF got to be in the room with me during the procedure. I loved seeing the looks on their faces. They were so happy. I would love to be there to see their faces when they get their positive pregnancy news. This is me being hopeful and thinking positive thoughts for all of us.

I am currently 5 days past transfer. I am not any more patient than I was with my own two week waits or the previous 2ww as a surrogate. I am trying not to overanalyze every little twinge and pain. Any woman that has been here waiting to find out if she is pregnant knows that that is next to impossible. I can’t say that I am having any real defining symptoms yet. I did wake up feeling shaky and weak yesterday morning. Even after eating something I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling. I felt a little better after taking a nap. Today I have had some sharp pains off and on in my pelvic area. The more I was up and around the worse it got so I decided to cut my task short this afternoon and take it easy. I have not discussed testing with IPs. Of course I am dying to know but I am also fearful of the results if I did test. Our beta is scheduled for Thursday, the 25th. We will see if I can hold out until then.

In Limbo

2010-04-22T20:38:00.001-05:00

I figured I better come back to update now that I am a little less hormonal. ;-) Emotionally and physically I am in a better place. I still wish things could have been different but it is what it is and I can’t change that, unfortunately. All I can do is continue to pray for the parents and hope that they will one day have the family they always hoped for.

IPs seem to be doing okay. Last I heard from IM they were going to look into a couple of different options, possibly adoption or trying surrogacy again with donor eggs. I feel better knowing that they do have options and that they are not giving up.

I haven’t made any decisions about where I am going to go from here in regards to surrogacy. If IPs need me I will be here for them but beyond that I just don’t know right now. My feelings have not changed about why I wanted to do this. I'm a bit torn. It’s been a rough road so far and it does make me a little hesitant. I do believe I can learn a thing or two from the IPs about not giving up. I think it’s just too soon to even think about moving on right now. As they say, time heals all wounds. Let’s hope so.

Can someone please wake me from this nightmare?!

2010-04-11T15:04:00.003-05:00

Another journey has come to an end long before it should have. I am extremely saddened and discouraged by everything that has happened.

Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.

Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.

That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).

I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.

I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.

FET Transfer 3/26

2010-03-28T10:34:00.002-06:00

The transfer went very well on Friday. Everything happened so fast that I don’t remember half of it. The Valium may have had something to do with that. Haha!

All four embryos were thawed. Three of the embryos looked really good and the fourth was not so great. We decided to transfer the three good embryos. IM was in the room with me during the procedure. I remember having my blood drawn and getting the Valium in my arm. The actual transfer part is a bit fuzzy. Apparently I was talking the whole time and repeated myself a few times. Too funny! At some point DH was able to join us. They had me lay there for an hour and then we were released to go home. That’s really about all I remember. That and the nurse giving me a hard time about carrying my purse on the way out. Oops! ;-) Apparently I made an appointment for the 9th for my Beta HCG but I don’t remember that either! The ride home was a bit of a blur too. I wound up sleeping for several hours when we got home.

My do’s and don’t for the next couple of weeks:

Home rest for 3 days. That means staying off of my feet in a reclining position.
No vacuuming, cleaning, exercising, or swimming (Oh darn! Lol)
Do not lift heavy objects. That is defined as anything over 5lbs. This may be a bit of a challenge with my 2yr old but we will figure it out.
The rest is the usual do’s and don’ts of pregnancy.

So far the bed rest is going okay. In theory spending three days in bed and giving up all responsibilities sounds good but it’s harder than it looks. Especially for someone who is not used to sitting still at all. I have four kids, I don’t have time to sit still! Lol. DH is doing a great job managing it all. Though I am sure he will be happy to have me back on my feet tomorrow. ;-)

IM and I have talked about doing a home pregnancy test(HPT) before the 2wk appt. I am not a patient person to begin with and when it comes to something this big each day waiting to find out is a day too long. I want to know NOW! ;-) I’m sure IPs feel the same way. I’m not sure when I will test but I probably won’t post anything until we have confirmation from the doctor. In the meantime we will continue to pray for good news. IM gave me a beautiful cross that I have at my bedside to remind me to have faith. With God all things are possible. I do have faith in that. :-)

FET Schedule

2010-03-20T16:32:00.000-06:00

Things are continuing to go well. I started my FET med schedule on the 8th. I went in on the 12th for an ultrasound and some blood work to see how I was responding to the medications. My lining was 9.5mm and my E2 levels were a little over 400. I was told that was a rapid response. Always good to hear I am responding well because then it makes me feel like the odds are in our favor. My only concern with this was that since the transfer was not scheduled until the 26th I wondered if would we be okay to wait that long. We were originally looking at the 19th but the doctor was going to be out of town that day so we moved it to the following Friday. I went back for another ultrasound yesterday and the lining was 14.8mm and E2 was 900. It looks great now. The doctor feels like we are still okay to do the transfer on the 26th. I’ll start my injections and the rest of the medications tomorrow. Nurse Hubby (downgraded from Doctor Hubby after a bad injection with the last transfer. Lol!) is not happy about giving me shots again. Not my favorite part either but we do what we have to for the cause. :-)

We are all very anxious. Not just for the transfer but for the final results. Many prayers will be said over the next few weeks.

UPDATES!

2010-02-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

Do I get the worst blogger award or what? I have been meaning to get on and update but life has been go, go, go lately with very little time to sit down and do much at all. So much has happened so fast with the surrogacy. Shortly before receiving the final decision from IPs I started taking steps to move on. I kind of had this feeling that they were done. C(lawyer) told me about this other couple that she was working with. She thought we would be a good match so she had me transfer my records from RE to their clinic just in case. So much time had past between the miscarriage and getting the final word from Ips, I knew I would not feel fulfilled until I completed a surrogacy so soon after I received the decision I agreed to meet with the other couple.

On Feb 6th DH and I made arrangements to meet with the couple C had been telling me about. I was a bundle of nerves but as soon as we all sat down together they made us feel very comfortable. They remind me a lot of DH and myself, laid back and easy to talk to. We had a nice time getting to know them over dinner. They told us about their struggles with TTC. They had tried for a few years on their own and due to medical reasons they decided to turn to surrogacy. They did have one transfer with a surrogate in November of this past year but the pregnancy was unsuccessful. The surrogate was going through a lot in her own life and it started to put a strain on the relationship with the IPs. They decided that it was best to part ways and look for other options. After meeting them and hearing about their struggles DH and I had already decided on the way home from dinner that night that I would help them if I could. They are a really sweet couple and have been though so much. It doesn’t seem fair. I was thrilled when we got home and their was an email from IM about moving forward together. Of course I replied yes!

Things have been moving pretty fast from there. Since I have had most of my testing done and they had all of their testing done we were able to skip over a lot of the preliminary stuff. I had my first appointment with the new RE on Feb. 12th. They did a physical exam and an ultrasound. There was one questionable spot on the ultrasound. The NP thought I might have retained something from the last pregnancy. If that were the case then I would have to have a D&C. It was such a small spot and she could only see it if she held the wand at a certain angle. I wasn’t too worried about it. We went ahead and scheduled a hysterosonogram to get a better look. I was given a prescription for Estradiol at the appointment and told to start that right away. This is the same medication I took with the last transfer to help build up the uterine lining.

On February 17th I had a test transfer and the hysterosonogram. With the test transfer the basically go through the same steps as the actual transfer minus the embryos. They take a catheter and insert it into the uterus through the cervix. With the ultrasound they can get see the position of the catheter and take measurements of how far it needs to be inserted. The hysterosono is where they insert a tube in which they pump a sterile solution into the uterus which expands the uterus and makes it easier to see. They use an internal ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. The procedure only take a few minutes. Some women experience discomfort with the procedure but I was one of the lucky ones that had no discomfort. I did have some cramping after the procedure but Advil was able to help with that. Overall it was not bad at all, and everything checked out okay so I was very happy about that.

C is working on the contract and should have that to us very soon. Monday we meet with IPs at the RE to sign off on the consents. I have to have a couple of tests done while I am there. I can’t remember the names exactly but one is to test my clotting factor and the other is checking for autoimmune disorders. They are checking for anything that may keep my body from allowing a pregnancy to progress. I don’t anticipate any problems with either test. I will be starting my Prometrium that night. I take that along with the Estradiol for 10 days and then cease medications. This should prompt me to start my cycle. As soon as I start we will move forward with the IVF protocol. As of right now we have a tentative transfer date set for March 19th. I am very excited for IPs. I have been praying over this process and will continue praying until they have a healthy baby in their arms.

Moving on

2010-02-02T21:44:00.002-06:00

I finally received word from my surro-family about their decision regarding the surrogacy. It saddens me to say that they have decided not to continue. Emotionally they are not ready. Knowing the challenges they have faced in the past and having gone through this recent loss with them, I can see why they are hesitant to try again. I do wish things could have turned out differently. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason though.

My feelings towards surrogacy have not changed. If anything I am even more determined than ever to see this through. I have been communicating with C, the surrogacy attorney, over the past few weeks about what we would do should the family decide not to move forward. It sounds like she already has some couples in mind for me. I should hopefully hear back from her soon about setting up meetings.

Where do we go from here?

2009-10-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

I thought IPs had two embryos left. I forgot they only had four to start with. On the day of the transfer all four were thawed. Three were good. We implanted two and the last was to be refrozen. Unfortunately the last embryo did not make it through the refreezing process. It was upsetting news. I don't know where we are going to go from here. There is the option IM can do another egg retrieval. I don't know if she is up for that. She has already said that maybe it was not meant for them to have more children. I feel bad hearing her say that. I realize that she has been through a lot. I wish this could be easier for them.

I am going to give them some time to sort through their options and decide if they want to move forward or not. I did let them know that I am here for them should they decide to try again. I will not push the issue. I am going to wait until after the holidays and see where they are at with their decision. I don't want to think of moving on without them. Should they decide they are done, well, then we will cross that bridge when we get there. I do still have a strong desire to be a surrogate. I feel it in my heart that this is something I was meant to do. I want to see this through and hope that it will be with my current IPs.

This journey has come to a halt

2009-09-08T20:01:00.003-05:00

I am still in shock as I type this. On Friday, Sept. 4th I went in for a routine ultrasound. IF met me there. IM was not feeling well that morning so she stayed home fearing she might get me sick. I felt bad that she could not be there but I was excited for IF to finally get to see the baby. We were in good spirits as I lay on the table waiting for a glimpse of Baby N. He was amazed when I showed him how I was already getting a belly. As the technician searched around I started to feel a sudden sense of panic. Her expression gave her away. Then she said the dreaded words, “there is no heartbeat.” She went on to tell us that while I should have been measuring 8wks1d, I was only measuring 6wks4d. While all this was going on I was still trying to rationalize in my head that she was wrong and that she just wasn’t looking hard enough. I knew in my heart I was the one that was wrong. I felt the ache as soon as I saw her face. I looked at IF and saw the always smiling face turned to worry. That was hard to see. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears. We were told to go back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to arrive. He was on his way in from one of his other locations. For a few moments we said nothing. I don’t remember how the conversation started, just that I ended up in tears with IF trying to console me. I felt pathetic. Shouldn’t I have been the one consoling him? I pulled myself together and we talked about this and that until we were called back to see the doctor. As we walked into that room we were both clinging to hope. The doctor wanted to do another scan. I silently prayed while he searched from some sign of a heartbeat. Unfortunately he was unable to find anything. He showed us the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac, and the spot where the baby was. He said the lining was nice and thick and there was no physical reason for the baby’s failure to thrive. He said it was just a bad embryo. It was heartbreaking news.

Before IF left I wanted to say something to him, something to comfort him. All I could manage was a teary-eyed “sorry.” I had my breakdown in the car. Once I calmed down enough to manage words I called a dear friend who was watching the girls for me. She was my angel that day. She helped me keep it together during my drive home. I have had a few breakdowns since then. It’s hard to explain how I am feeling. On top of feeling my own pain over the loss I am feeling the pain of the parents as well. My heart aches for them. I know how loved this baby was already. I hate to see that taken away from them. It’s not fair. Then there is that part of me that feels like I failed them. I know it’s not my fault. I know that but I still can’t shake the guilt. It was my responsibility to keep this baby safe and do all I could to ensure the health of this child. I did everything in my power to make sure Baby N was well taken care of. Like I said, I know that but I can’t help how I feel.

Physically I still feel pregnant. Technically I still am. They opted not to do a D&C and decided to let things happen naturally. I have yet to start to miscarry. That in itself is a struggle. My body is telling me there is a baby in there but my mind knows better. It’s hard to find closure when I am stuck in limbo.

The parents are doing okay. I talked to IM Friday afternoon. I could hear the sadness in her voice but overall it seemed like she was handling the news well. As well as could be expected anyway. I haven’t called them since. I did send IM a text letting her know I was thinking of them and keeping them in my prayers. I understand that they need to have time to grieve so I am giving them their space.

I don’t know where we are going to go from here. I don’t know if they want to try again with the remaining embryo. There is a possibility there might be two embryos left. There was the one that they were going to refreeze. They had to let it mature an extra day to see how it did. I have not heard whether or not it survived. I hope it did. Anything to help increase their chances should they try again. I am willing if they are. My goal was to give this family a healthy baby. I am praying that one day I will still be able to do that.

How am I feeling?

2009-08-28T14:32:00.006-05:00

I have been asked several times how I am feeling. I don't mind the question at all. Answering the question, however, has been a bit of a challenge. I am trying to stay upbeat and go about life like I am doing just fine. Honestly though, I am not feeling well most of the time. I am nauseous all day. I am exhausted and walking around in a fog. I frequently get headaches and hot flashes. I go back and forth from being hungry all the time to not feeling like eating. Either my food taste like the best thing I have ever tasted or it turns my stomach. Funny how I go from one extreme to another. There seems to be no middle ground with me right now. I am seriously bloated. I already look PG! It's not just in my belly though, my whole body looks puffy. Aside from all that the worst part is my crankiness. I am trying so hard not to let my mood affect my family. I can't say I have been 100% successful in my efforts. They have been very understanding and patient with me. I love them for that!

Please don't mistake this for a rant. I really am thankful for each and every symptom, regardless of how bad I am feeling. That is because I know that with each bout of nausea and every bit of lost sleep I am creating a miracle. I would not trade this experience for anything. I will continue to look ahead to that day I get to see my IPs holding their new baby and that makes it all worth while.

Baby Update:
At the u/s on Tuesday Baby N was measuring 5 days ahead of the last u/s. The previous u/s was exactly 5 days prior so the measurements were right on. Still no heartbeat but everything continues to look good. By the time we go back on 9/4 we should be able to see a nice, healthy heartbeat. IF was able to make arrangements so he could be there with us as well. It will be fun having both of them there for this appointment. We can all breathe a sigh of relief together once we finally get to see that little heartbeat. :-)

First Ultrasound

2009-08-21T21:47:00.002-05:00

I had my first u/s on Thursday. There is only one baby in there, much to IM's relief. Lol. It was too early for us to see a heartbeat but we could see the pregnancy sac and the yolk sac. The nurse said it appeared to be a healthy PG. All the measurements were accurate for our due date. I finally got a due date! Baby N, as I will refer to him/her, will be due on April 19,2010. This is also my DD's birthday. We thought that was pretty cool.

IM was at the appointment with me. It was fun watching her expression as the nurse explained to us what we were seeing. She was able to get a picture for IF. When I talked to him he said he keeps looking at the picture in fascination. They are both so happy. I can't even explain the feeling of warmth I feel when I see their faces or hear them talk about the baby. It's a good feeling my friends.

I go back on Tuesday for another u/s and more blood work. I was originally scheduled for a third u/s Friday 8/28 but we are going to see if we can reschedule for the following Friday so IF can be there too. They were not kidding when they said they monitor these pregnancies more closely. Oh well, it will be fun to watch Baby N's progress. :-)

The results are in!

2009-08-16T16:35:00.002-05:00

And it is fantastic news.....I am pregnant!!! The Beta was 598miU at 14dpt. The nurse said the numbers sound good for a healthy singleton. Perfect! Of course there is still the possibility that both embryos took and we could have a little extra surprise at the ultrasound. I should have an ultrasound performed sometime within the next couple of weeks.

I was hoping to be able to tell IPs the good news myself but the nurse had already called them before I had a chance to speak with them. I had planned on having a little fun with them. :-) I was going to tell them I had good news and bad news. The good news was that I am pregnant and the bad news being that they were stuck with me for the next nine months. Haha! I told them what I had planned and laughed about it. They were just so happy. Their excitement made my day. I feel blessed to be able to give this gift to such an amazing couple. This is going to be one lucky kid.

Symptoms

2009-08-09T11:32:00.002-05:00

I had some blood work done on Thursday and they said everything looked good, BUT they want me to increase the PIO injections from 1cc a day to 2cc a day. From what I have been reading most clinics want the progesterone level to be at least 20ng/ml. Mine was 15.8ng/ml. I wasn't too happy about doing two shots a day. DH was not too keen on the idea either. He is the one that gives me the injections. He does a good job at it but he does not like doing it. We opted to try doing one 2cc injection. It really is not as bad as I thought it would be. It burns a little more but nothing I can't live with. Hopefully everything will check out when we go back to the RE on the 13th.

4 days until the moment of truth! I am feeling better and better about the results every day. I have had a lot of the same symptoms I've had with some of my previous pregnancies. The cramping and the fatigue started on day three post-transfer. I started having bouts of nausea around day seven post-transfer. Today my appetite has been insane. I woke up starving, ate breakfast and less than 2hrs later was starving again. I have one other symptom but it is not very lady like so I will refrain from typing it. I'm sure some of you know what I am talking about.

I did ask IPs if they wanted me to do a home pregnancy test(HPT). They thought about it for a little bit and decided it would be better to wait until the beta. I can't blame them. I know they are nervous. If the results were negative, regardless of PG or not, then it would probably crush us all. I've read stories where women get a positive beta and take a HPT just to see the lines and it came back negative. I can see how that would be discouraging. I'm trying to be patient. It's not easy!

FET-Frozen Embryo Transfer

2009-08-04T18:48:00.003-05:00

On Thursday July 30th we transferred two perfect embryos. I don't know the grade, quality or even how many days old they were. I guess they felt I am on a need to know basis? Hearing the doctor say they were perfect was good enough for me. :-) Originally they thawed out two embryos and one was not looking so great. IPs made the decision to thaw out two more. Both of those thawed out perfectly. That left IPs with a big decision to make, 2 or 3. IF wanted to do three but IM really only wanted two. I can't blame her. They already have a set of twins. The more embryos they implant the greater the risk of having multiples again. Although I would not mind carrying twins, I want what is best for my IPs. We would all be thrilled with one healthy baby. They were able to refreeze the third embryo so that does give them an option for the future.

The procedure itself was not bad at all. The worst part was the full bladder. They make you fill your bladder to the point of near explosion (kidding, but it was uncomfortably full). The reason for that is to help position the uterus. It also helps create a clearer picture for the ultrasound. They went through the cervix with a catheter containing the embryos. The ultrasound helped them to see where the tip of the catheter was in the uterus. Once they reached the ideal location they released the embryos from the catheter into the uterus. There was a monitor for us to see the whole process. IM got to be in the room with me. I was so glad to have her there to go through it with me. We were both pretty amazed by the whole process.

After the procedure they had me lay tilted head down for about an hour. IPs and DH took turns coming back to check on me. I was trying to keep up conversation but the Valium they had me take before the procedure finally started to kick in. Any other time you give me a medication that says may cause drowsiness I will be out within 20min. The excitement from the procedure must have won over. After that it was all over. I slept the entire ride home.

I had to do three days of strict bed rest following the IVF. It was okay. I started to get restless by the end of day one. I am not used to staying still for very long. With four kids who has time to stay still?! DH did a great job taking over for me. He was glad to go back to work on Monday though. LOL. IPs and their little ones came to visit on Saturday. They were sweet enough to bring take out from my favorite Mexican restaurant. They also brought me a box of Godiva chocolates and some books for the kids. I knew I picked the right couple. hahaha! No, really, it was very sweet of them to do that for us. I was just happy to get to visit with them for awhile. It was cute watching the kids play together.

I am not going to say these are symptoms but for the past couple of days I have been very tired, even more than before. I have also had some cramping and a couple of dizzy spells. I am dying to know if the transfer took. IPs are excited and nervous about the results as well. I say a prayer every night that we will be blessed with a positive result next week. The Beta HCG test is scheduled for 8/13. Not soon enough! ;-) I hope to have some good news to share soon!!!

Almost there!

2009-07-26T10:05:00.002-05:00

I made a couple of trips to the RE this week. More bloodwork and ultrasounds. Uterine lining is up to 12mm so we are looking good. :-)

Last night was my first PIO (progesterone in oil) injection. I had DH do it. There was this whole manuevering issue when I tried to do it. DH is not a big fan of needles so I was worried if he could handle it or not. I wound up being more nervous than him. It wasn't the needle that worried me, it was his inexperience. I started laughing everytime he came near me. Nervous laughter. I finally laid face down on the bed and told him to go for it. He did it so quick I did not have a chance to change my mind. I didn't even know the needle was in until he told me. I never felt a thing. He did good! I am a little sore now though but that's because of the meds. Tonight should be a little less dramatic since I know we can both do this now.

Now for the big news. We have a transfer date! We are doing the transfer on Thursday 7/30. That's only 4 days away! While I am not nervous for the procedure I am nervous for my IPs. I just really want this to work out for them. I asked them how they were feeling and they admitted to being nervous too. They only have 5 embryos left so we don't have a lot of chances to make this work. We will be doing a lot of praying through this whole process.

After the procedure I will have to be on strict bedrest for three days. I still don't know how I am going to manage that. If it were just me it wouldn't be a problem. Trying to figure out what to do with four young children has been a bit of a challenge. I am surrounded by amazing people who are more than willing to help. I am so greatful for each and every one of my angels. Now if I could shake the feeling of guilt for asking them to take on all four of my monkeys. That goes back to that part of me that does not like to ask for help. I know I don't have a choice this time. This is too important.

Well friends, the next time I post I will hopefully be with child. God willing!

7/15 Appt

2009-07-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

I had another appointment with the RE on Wednesday. They did an ultrasound to check the uterine lining and some blood work to check my estrogen and progesterone levels. Wednesday was day 5 of the estrogen patches and pills. Originally the script was for Estradiol 3xday. The nurse had me start out on 2xday and the plan was to increase the day of the scan. The purpose of the Estradiol is to thicken and mature the uterine lining. There are many different opinions on how thick the lining should be for FET. For the most part I read that they like it to be at least 7mm thick. When they did the scan on Wednesday the tech said my lining was 9.5mm and transfer ready. I was instructed to stay on my current dose of Estradiol. I go back on Monday for another ultrasound and blood draw.

I am glad to know I am responding well to the meds but I still don’t know what this means regarding the transfer date. I sent a message to the nurse to ask her about it and I have yet to hear back. She did try to call me last night but I missed her call. I hope to hear back from her today. If not I will see her Monday. I would just like to have a date to work around. I will have to have help with the kids and I would really like to be able to give people notice. The IPs would like to be there too so they will have to do some planning as well. We are all getting a little antsy.

Lately I have been feeling really tired. We have had a busy summer so far so I thought my schedule was finally catching up to me. I talked to IM yesterday and asked her if she had any side effects from the medications. She said all she remembers was being really tired. Good to know it’s not just me. I have read what some other women were saying about their side effects. If all I am experiencing is a little sleepiness then I am doing good. :-)

Bag O' Meds

2009-07-03T09:53:00.002-05:00

I had another appt with the RE on Wednesday. They did a quick ultrasound to check my ovaries for follicles and also to check the lining of my uterus. I am assuming this is to have something to compare the next scan to. They will need to check the lining again in another week or so to make sure it is thickening. I was given a shot of Lupron at the appointment to suppress my ovulation. I'm sure they will be checking for spontaneous ovulation as well. Then came the Bag O' Meds, as I like to call it. :-) First I will start out with the estrogen patches and pills. The pill is taken three times a day and the patches are changed out every 3d. I'll start those as soon as I start my cycle. I take the last of the birth control pills tonight so I should be starting soon. Once I have been on those a week I will go back for that second ultrasound. From there I will be instructed when to start the progesterone injections. The rest looks like it will be for the day of the transfer. It's a lot to keep up with but they gave me a calendar to help me keep track.

I wish I had a transfer date set already. Originally we projected it to be around the 14th. I was supposed to have this appointment last week but since I was going on vacation we put it off. That set us a week back. According to the nurse at the RE they generally do the transfers 18-20d from the start of a cycle. So we could be looking at some time within the next three weeks. As soon as I start I will have a better idea.

Everything else seems to be falling into place. I have filed my health insurance and my life insurance applications. The contract is signed and filed with the court. I should be hearing back from the lawyer at the beginning of the week with our court date. We're getting there!

Hysterosonogram and other updates

2009-06-19T21:10:00.000-05:00

I’m not very good at updating am I? Life has been very busy since the kids got out for the summer. Not too much going on with the surrogacy just now. A couple of updates:

I had my hysterosonogram on the 9th. I was a little nervous going in for that. The internet can be a great source of information but sometimes it can lead to too much information. From what I read the procedure could be painful. Some women described it as the worst pain they ever had. Really? Yikes! So you can see where the nerves came in. I was by myself so of course I was worried about being able to drive home. I was actually okay until the doctor came in. It didn’t help that he told me as he was about to start that he has been doing a lot of these procedures in the hospital so the women can be sedated for comfort reason. What?! I did not have any pain meds or sedatives. I silently freaked and braced myself. I was told I was going to feel a lot of pressure. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Waiting for the pain. Still waiting. Oh wait, there is no pain! What a relief! The procedure went very well and was over quick. The doctor said everything looked perfect.

This week was putting the final touches on the contract so we can get it signed. We are on a bit of a time crunch so hopefully we can finish up at the beginning of the week so we can get our court date scheduled. In TX the surrogacy has to be court approved. There are qualifications we have to meet on both sides. I don’t anticipate there being any problems. The only concern with that is the timing. If we are looking at doing an early July transfer then we need to have it approved very soon. It has to be approved 14d before the transfer date. We will be cutting it close, but C(their attorney) is confident we can get it done in time.

I had my interview for my life insurance policy on Wednesday. I am also working on the paperwork for my supplemental insurance. When my insurance company denied me we filed an appeal. They could not show any clear language explaining why I should not be covered. They denied the appeal anyway. We could be fighting this for a long time so we decided to drop it. It’s not fair to the IP’s to make them wait on me while we work through all of the insurance red tape. They have been so great through all of this.

The more I get to know the family the more I adore them. They have been great about calling to check in with us. Not just for surrogacy issues but to see how our family is doing. The last time we met them for lunch IM gave me a beautiful Willow Tree Angel of the Heart. What a thoughtful gift. I absolutely love it! Aside from all that I admire them for their family values and their kind nature. They really are the sweetest couple. I can tell the kids have inherited their parents sweet nature as well. I really could not image finding a better match. I am anticipating this journey to be filled with many fond memories.

Starting next week things should really start picking up. I will do my best to do a better job of updating.

The protocol

2009-06-02T21:16:00.003-05:00

I finally got my FET(Frozen Embryo Transfer) protocol-

Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) Protocol for Blastocyst

Call the office Day #1 of your menstrual period to schedule your FET. If Day #1 is on a weekend or holiday, call on the following business day.

You may be placed on birth control pills based your physician’s recommendation. Then, a Lupron injection may be given to prevent premature ovulation during your IVF cycle. If you are on a different protocol, the nurse will discuss your medications and next step.

When you start your next period (Day #1), call the office to schedule your Day #3 (baseline) vaginal ultrasound and blood work. If Day #1 is on a weekend or holiday, call on the following business day.

By Day #3 of your menstrual cycle, you will have a baseline ultrasound and blood work done. On Day #3 you will also:
Return signed consent forms.
Complete payment arrangements.
Register at the hospital for the embryo transfer procedure.

If the results of your baseline tests are normal, you will be given instructions to start your Estrogen pills and patches.

Estrogen 2mg pills (Estrace) are placed under the tongue until dissolved three times a day.
Estrogen patches (Vivelle-Dot) are applied to the to skin of the lower abdomen and changed every 3 days. Rotate sites when applying a new patch. Detailed instructions are contained within the box of patches.
Mark your calendar on the date you apply the patch to keep track of when to change it.

You will return to the office frequently (approximately 2--5 visits) for vaginal ultrasounds to measure your endometrial lining and blood draws to monitor your estrogen level.

After it is determined that your lining is ready for embryo implantation, you will receive instructions to start Progesterone injections 6 days before the embryo transfer procedure. You will continue these injections until your pregnancy test (14 days after the embryo transfer).

Start Progesterone - 50mg/vial.
Use an 18 or 22G-1½” needle to draw up 1cc of progesterone.
Change the needle to a 25G-1½” and inject intramuscularly.
Administer progesterone at the same time everyday, preferably in the evening.
Do not store progesterone in the refrigerator.
You may warm the vial in your hand to ease injection discomfort.
Rub the area well after an injection to prevent knots and apply warm compress if desired.
Alternate hips with each injection.

The day before your embryo transfer you will start Medrol pills. Take 1 tab four times a day until all medication finished.

The embryo transfer
You may eat a normal breakfast before the procedure.
Arrive to the hospital/office on time.
Do not bring any valuables with you.
Dress comfortably, no jewelry, no make-up, no perfume.
Bring a bottle of water to fill your bladder.
Bring your Motrin and Valium. You will be instructed when to take them.

Activity as followed: Bed rest, except to use the bathroom, is required for the day of the transfer and two days after. You can sleep on you back, side, or stomach during this period. No showers or tub baths while on bed rest. It is essentially impossible to hurt the viability or implantation of the embryos by coughing, sneezing, laughing, or having bowel movements. Diet as desired. Constipation is common so increase fluids and fiber to avoid abdominal discomfort. Do not smoke, drink alcohol, or take any medications than those prescribed for the procedure. ONLY Tylenol Regular Strength is acceptable for pain relief. Once bed rest is completed, avoid strenuous activity (aerobics, jogging, bicycling, etc.) and avoid lifting heavy objects (heavier than a ½ gallon of milk, such as pets, children, and groceries) until your pregnancy test. If you have questions about specific activities just call our office.

Remember that FET can cause symptoms of pregnancy, which may include swollen and tender breasts, bloated stomach, increased vaginal discharge, and possibly some nausea. You may experience some light spotting as well. Please notify us if the bleeding is as heavy as a period.

A pregnancy test will be scheduled for 14 days following your embryo transfer.

If your test is positive you will continue the progesterone injections, estrogen pills and estrogen patches. It is your responsibility to refill prescriptions. We will continue monitoring you until about 8-10 weeks of pregnancy, although, you will be responsible for contacting your Ob/Gyn at 6 weeks of pregnancy and see them by 8 weeks of pregnancy. Nothing is to be inserted vaginally (i.e., intercourse) until a fetal heartbeat is seen.
If your test is negative we will schedule a physician consultation.

I start my birth control tomorrow. I have an appointment on Tuesday to have the rest of the lab work done. Remember that uncomfortable ultrasound that I thought I was not going to have? Apparently I will have it done after all. That will also take place on Tuesday. Jealous? ;-) Haha!

Hurry up and wait

2009-05-31T22:26:00.002-05:00

I am beginning to know what the other surrogates were talking about when they said surrogacy is a big game of hurry up and wait. There really has not been anything to report over the last month. I am still waiting to do the last of the blood work. We are waiting for me to start my cycle to do that. The plan is to start me on the meds at the beginning of my cycle. I usually don't complain about my long cycles but when you are looking forward to starting for a change it seems like a very long wait. I should be making a call to the clinic for my appointment tomorrow morning. More than you all care to know right? Lol.

I am ready to finally get the ball rolling. Sounds silly but I am looking forward to starting the meds. Not that I am anxious to pump my body full of hormones but I know that this mean we are one step closer to making this happen. I can only imagine the anticipation the family is feeling. I remember how I felt when trying to conceive my babies. Even if it did not happen right away at least I felt like we were doing something. With every try we were moving closer to our goal. How must that feel to have it all completely out of your control? All the more reason I want to get going. I don't want this to be any harder on them than it has to be.

I did receive word from the surrogacy attorney today. She said the IPs have the contract and were reviewing it over the weekend. I should have it by this time next week. With this we will be yet another step closer. Baby steps seems to be the appropriate term.

I apologize if all of this is getting confusing. If it is coming across as confusing to you it is because it is confusing for me. The plans have changed so many times(appts, protocol, etc). Just when I think we are really moving along I find myself sitting around wondering what is going to happen next, and when! Baby steps. I will try to update as I can when I actually have something to update about. Hopefully soon!

RE appt

2009-05-02T22:06:00.003-05:00

The appointment with the RE was short and sweet. IM met me at the clinic. It was nice to get to talk to her for awhile before being called back. I enjoyed hearing her talk about herself, IF and their kids. I can tell they are a close, loving family. I am thrilled to have a hand in adding to this wonderful family. God willing!

Back to the RE, this is the same doctor IM used to get pregnant with her twins. I’m not sure if I mentioned they have a set of twins through IVF. IM’s pregnancy was great. The complications arose after the delivery. As a result she is unable to carry another pregnancy. I won’t say too much because I want to protect their privacy. I at least want to let you know what made them turn to surrogacy. The embryos we will be using are from the same batch as the twins. The RE mentioned that they were all of great quality. He seems very confident that we will get pregnant. I was happy to hear that. He did say that implanting two embryos should be sufficient. When the IPs and I discussed the number of embryos to implant previously we agreed to three. IF did some research and said that because it is a frozen transfer the chances of the pregnancy taking are of a lower percentage. I did some research as well and found several articles that supported this theory. I also read that the frozen transfer is just as successful as a fresh transfer. Some doctors even suggested frozen were more successful. This is one of the reasons I was anxious to talk to the RE. I wanted his opinion on the matter. IM is happy to do only two embryos. I am going to let her discuss it with IF. I will be seeing them both soon so I will bring it up then and see what they decided.

The RE ordered an ultrasound while I was there. I was aware that I would need one at some point but I was not quite prepared to have it done that day. I was told this appointment was only a consultation and that the ultrasound appointment would probably be the following week. The plan was to have Bill take off the day of the ultrasound appointment so he could drive me. I heard it can be painful so I wanted him there as a backup in case I was too uncomfortable to drive home. Fortunately this ultrasound was not as invasive as the one they originally said they were going to do. Still, not my idea of a good time. The tech was making me laugh. She checked my uterus and then my ovaries. Everything looked good. No unwanted masses, etc, etc. She kept going back to my ovaries. She was fascinated by them. She commented on how fertile I must be. I laughed and told her I had four kids. She said, “I believe it!” LOL. She was cracking me up! At one point she was trying to count the follicles! She seriously acted like this was the highlight of her day!

Now that we have the all clear from the RE all we need to do is some blood work and then we can finally move on to the contract phase. In TX we have to get the court to approve the arrangement. The process could take 2-4wks. As soon as we get the court approval I will start on BCPs. I will be given a shot of Lupron at some point to start my cycle. Then I will start estrogen patches. Before the transfer I will start the PIO(progesterone in oil). This is a shot I will have to give myself daily. Once the pregnancy is confirmed I will hopefully get to switch to a different form of progesterone. I will need to continue that through the first 10wks of the pregnancy. After that I will be released from the REs care to my regular OB.

I will be doing the blood work on the 17th. We plan to meet with the IPs for lunch and then head to the clinic. We are able to do the tests at IF’s office so that allows us to be flexible with the time and date. I’m looking forward to getting our families together for the afternoon. They only got to meet K and M the last time. I think they are looking forward to meeting the rest of my crew. I have already told them so much about the kids. What can I say, I am a proud mama. I am hoping to get to know their little ones better as well. :-) They seem like great kids.

Group Evaluation

2009-04-29T17:26:00.005-05:00

Friday was the group meeting with the psychotherapist. DH could not make it so it was just me and IPs. It's funny, I don't feel like I just met them. I feel like I have know them all along. It was very easy to talk to them and joke around. We did get to discuss some of the more important issues. I was happy to see we shared the same views. The therapist was pleased and commented on us being a great match.

One thing that was mentioned was communicating my needs. I will admit to being a stubborn person when it comes to asking for help. This is something I will definitely have to work on. Supermom I am not, even if I try to be. I have to remind myself that this is not all about me. This is their baby and I understand their desire to be there every step of the way and their wanting to take care of me, as a husband would want to take care of his pregnant wife.

Tomorrow is the appointment with the fertility specialist. I am looking forward to talking to the doctor and finding out the protocol. I know there are a couple of different ways to go about the transfer. They can do a natural cycle where they monitor my ovulation and implant the embryos 2-3 days post ovulation. They try to match the age of the embryos with the DPO(days past ovulation). Then there is the possibility that they will use drugs to suppress my ovulation. In this scenario they will have more control over the transfer date. I am a little nervous about having to give myself injections. I have also heard the medication can make you wacky. No worries, I already warned DH. Lol.

I guess I already resigned myself to option #2. I know my body well enough to know how unpredictable I can be. I've done enough research to know that our chances will be better if they can manipulate my cycle with the use of the drugs. I am no expert though so we shall wait and see what the doctor has to say tomorrow. Did I mention IM is going to meet me there? :-)

Pych Evaluation

2009-04-19T22:10:00.003-05:00

I had my psych evaluation this past Tuesday. I first interviewed with the Psychotherapist. She asked me a lot of questions about my family life. Then she wanted to know what led me to surrogacy. I was doing well until I started talking about my family member that had struggled with infertility. I was a little embarrassed about tearing up in front of her. I’m sure she is used to it though. We continued to talk about my expectations during and after the surrogacy. I also had to do the 567 question evaluation test. It was the same one I did with the agency. Made me giggle the second time around too. :-) Some of the questions are really out there. Overall I felt like it went well. The feedback I have received since the appointment has been excellent. I was happy to know there were going to be no straight jackets in my future. Haha!

Next step is the group evaluation with IPs and the psychotherapist. That will be this coming Friday. I am looking forward to seeing A and S again. I’m not too worried about the appt itself. We have already discussed most of the issues we are supposed be covering at the appointment. We seem to be on the same page so I think we are good.

I officially cut ties with the agency. I did not think it was fair for me to remain in their database for other IPs to consider if I was moving on elsewhere. The director was very understanding and offered her services to the couple and I if we needed it. I thought that was sweet of her.

On a side note, I was talking to an acquaintance about my plans to be a surrogate. After the initial shock she asked me what made me want to do it and B piped up and said, “because she likes to help people.” What a great observation for him to make. Made me feel good. One of the things I was hoping to accomplish in doing this is to teach my children about helping others. This life is not all about what is in it for us. I think they are starting to see that. I really am looking forward to seeing this journey through their eyes as well.

Bump in the road

2009-04-08T07:58:00.000-05:00

I have mentioned my insurance dilemma previously. It is something we are still working on. The first couple of times I called the company the reps told me that they would not cover my pregnancy if I acted as a surrogate. Since I had to explain exactly what surrogacy was I did not feel confident in their answers. I called once more to see if we could dig deeper. This time, at least, the rep knew what I was referring to. She kept me on the phone for awhile looking through the policy trying to find any wording on exclusions. She was unable to find anything stating they would not cover me as a surrogate. At that point my inquiry was sent for review. I received a letter from the insurance company last week denying all coverage. They could not cite any specific wording supporting their decision so I decided to appeal. That’s where we are at right now.

I had a psych appointment set up for yesterday but C canceled it until we sorted through the insurance stuff. I was starting to worry that this was all going to fall through. I had not heard from the IPs to get their feelings about what was going on. I did not know if they were prepared for the extra cost of taking out a separate policy on me. I heard it can be expensive. Also, how long were they willing to wait for us to sort through this? I did not want to lose them. I was really starting to get stressed over the whole thing.

I received an email from C yesterday morning asking if I could call the hospital and my OB to get a “cash price” for a routine pregnancy and delivery. She is trying to find a way around using the insurance in the event we lose the appeal. She said IPs are willing to wait for the appeal decision. I feel bad for making them hold off for my sake. And if the appeal falls through, then what? About the time I was ready to pull my hair out IF calls me. He said he wanted to touch base and he reassured me that they want to see this through with me. He also said he wants to go forward with the testing. I felt so much better after talking to him! He was very optimistic about everything.

So as of right now I will see the fertility specialist on April 30th. I am waiting for C to get me some times and dates to reschedule the psych appointment. I will hopefully be doing that some time within the next week. I am happy to be moving forward again. I too have a good feeling about everything. I am hoping we can have A and S on their way to having a happy, healthy baby very soon.

Meeting the IPs

2009-03-30T20:53:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was the big day. I was okay until we started getting closer to the restaurant and then my nerves started to get the best of me. I was thinking to myself that I didn’t know what to say to these people. Did I have all the right questions? Was I ready to answer all of their questions? What if our personalities don’t click? You get the idea.

As soon as we turned the corner to the table in the restaurant I was greeted with warm, friendly faces. I instantly felt better. I was still a tad nervous though. From the moment we sat down the conversation flowed. They are very personable and sweet. I talked to IM the majority of the dinner. I could tell she had been preparing for our meeting. She had lots of questions, understandably. They were very open to my questions as well. It wasn’t all business though. We had some laughs and shared stories about our kids. I could tell that they are great parents. Their love for their children is easy to see. Overall it seemed like we shared a lot of the same beliefs and expectations for the pregnancy. I really felt like this could be the perfect match. My questions was, did they feel the same way?

Before the meeting C asked me to call her and let her know how it went. She called me before I had a chance to call her. I love her enthusiasm for what she does. :-D She told me IF had left her a message saying the meeting was wonderful. That sounded promising! She asked me how I thought it went. I told her that I really liked them and could see myself going forward with them, but I did have one thing I needed to be clear on before we proceeded. I did not approach the subject of selective reduction in our meeting. That is a big detail to leave out and I needed to be sure we were on the same page with that. She agreed we needed to discuss that before we moved forward. She let me go so she could speak to IF and see how they felt about the meeting and the reduction issue. An hour or so later she calls me back to say that they would not want to selectively reduce(Yay!) AND they liked me and want me to be their surrogate! I was thrilled to hear this! I told C I would be honored to do this for them. I am looking forward to getting to know them better and be able to share in this journey with them.

C gave me the run down of what we need to do next. She is going to call and get me an appointment for my psych test. Then it will be on to the fertility specialist. I’m not sure what happens after that. She did say things are going to start moving quickly from here. I should have my first appointment within the week. I will do my best to post updates. Stay tuned! :-)

Written 3/27/09

2009-03-30T08:25:00.002-06:00

I had my meeting with the surrogacy attorney on Tuesday. Overall I think it went really well. I can be kind of shy when meeting new people but I felt instantly at ease with C. She was very nice and down to Earth. I never felt like I was being interviewed. It felt more like chit-chatting with a girlfriend. Too bad I can’t have her as my lawyer too!

Did I mention we brought our kids to the meeting? C’s daughter is adorable! I was hoping her and M would play together. They barely said two words to each other the whole time but they did both agree that the are new best friends. Lol. Kids are so funny. D, on the other hand, was a wild child. Those of you who know her would not be surprised. I normally don’t let my kids run around in restaurants but it was a kid friendly place and there was hardly anyone there. D took the opportunity to run amuck. She was climbing everything and even ran in the kitchen at one point. I was embarrassed but everyone else thought it was hilarious. It’s a wonder C and I were able to talk at all. Luckily C was understanding.

We did manage to go over some important issues. C asked me what my expectations were of the expected parents, how involved I want them to be and what type of contact would I like to have after the baby is born. We touched on the subject of selective reduction and termination. We discussed my insurance issues again. We are both still a bit unclear how to handle that. She said she is going to let the IPs know where we stand on that and see how they feel. I really want to be upfront about everything. We also talked about how my family feels about me doing this. She was happy to hear I have their full support.

C wanted to know if I was prepared to answer questions from strangers. I have thought about this a lot. People are going to see me PG and assume it is my baby. I have no problem telling people I am a surrogate, a fact that I am very proud of. I realize that some of the reactions may not be as positive as others. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am not easily offended and I know in my heart I am doing a good thing.

C told me a little more about the couple she wants me to meet. She seems to think we will hit it off great. I hope so! She asked if it would be okay to have IM(intended mother) call me to set up our meeting. Of course! I couldn’t wait to talk to her!

I received a call from IM yesterday while I was away at a birthday party. I was disappointed that I missed her call. I called her back and got her machine so I left her a message. It really was not that long from the time I left the message to the time she called me back but it seemed like an eternity. I had a flurry of mixed emotions, excitement and nervousness. I tend to have one of two reactions when I am nervous, I can clam up or I will become a chatter box. When IM called back she got the chatty Diana. Lol. Hopefully I didn’t scare her off. She sounded very sweet. Unfortunately I did not get to talk to her long. Her battery on her phone was dying and she was afraid it would hang up on me in the middle of our conversation. She had to call me back but we did get our meeting set up for Sunday afternoon!

Moving on?

2009-03-22T08:59:00.001-06:00

Still no word from the agency. I have not completely given up on them but did decide to start looking into other options. I was given the name of a local surrogacy lawyer by another hopeful surrogate. I was hesitant to contact her at first but finally took a leap of faith and emailed her. She called me back a few days later. She asked me some basic questions and then sent me some forms to fill out. I had some questions about my insurance that she was able to help me sort through. Turns out I might be covered for the surrogacy after all! I am still waiting on the final answer on that but so far we can’t find anything that specifically states that the insurance company will not cover my pregnancy if I were acting as a surrogate. My case is currently being reviewed by the company. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one! I have to be honest, I am a little disappointed that the agency did not look into the issue further since that was suppose to be the hold up all along. :-/

After several phone conversations with the lawyer(we will call her C) we decided to go forward with meeting some of her clients. I guess I should add that she is working for the IPs. I will still have to retain my own lawyer before we finalize the contract. C and I will be meeting this week for lunch. It’s a formality and I completely understand why. Of course she would want to meet me before sending me out to meet her clients. Makes sense. :-) I am looking forward to meeting her! I have really enjoyed talking to her on the phone over the past couple of weeks. It will be nice to meet face to face finally. She is bringing her little ones along too. They are M and D’s ages. The plan is to let the kids play while we chat. That’s the plan anyway. You know how unpredictable these little monkeys can be. ;-) Then if this meeting goes well I will hopefully be meeting with the potential IPs next weekend. C has told me a little about them and it appears we already have a lot in common. The best part is that they are close by!

Even if this doesn’t work out with this particular couple (fingers crossed it does!) I am excited to feel like I am finally moving forward with this.

Monthly email update

2009-03-11T09:56:00.002-06:00

It's been close to a month since my last contact with the agency. I sent K a message asking her how things were going. I admitted to her that I was becoming a little discouraged. I am seeing all these surrogates moving forward rather quickly and I am still here at a stand still. I know you can't rush finding the perfect match. I am trying to keep that in mind. I am just ready to start moving forward with this. It's like making the decision to try to conceive. The second you make up your mind to have that baby you want to skip the rest and just be able to hold that baby in your arms. Then there is all this waiting. There is the waiting to get PG. You wait to ovulate each month, wait to test, wait for that first doctor's appointment to confirm the PG, wait to see if the baby is healthy and find out the sex, and let's not forget the 10 long months of waiting to meet this little person you created. That's a lot of waiting! Through it all you looking forward to that finish line. My journey will take a completely different path but there will still be lots of waiting involved. I will still be sharing in a lot of the anticipation but from a different point of view. I would just be happy to start the race at this point. ;-)

I want to be able to see this dream through and I am willing to wait as long as it takes. I know God has the right couple in mind for me. It is important to me to find that perfect match. After reading some of the message boards and sorting through the classified ads I found there to be quite a few questionable characters out there. It's kind of scary really. I want my IPs to feel 100% at ease with me. I want them to trust in me to take the best possible care of their baby and myself throughout the pregnancy. I not only want to carry their baby but I also want to be their friend. I do want them to be as involved as possible in every aspect of the pregnancy. That means I have to be able to trust them as well.

I am getting distracted. Back to the email. Here is the response I received from K:

Diana,
Actually, things are just beginning to pick up and in fact, we are seeing a client today. Hardly anyone signs up on the spot, but, that means they may in a few days or so. I will keep you posted on how things are.

We have signed a few new clients, but, they all picked surrogates with insurance. I think lowering your fee to bring their expense to an equal place will help. You and several others have done that as well.

Don’t get discouraged. Hang in there, and, I always push you a little because I think you will be easy to work with and great for couples.

Please feel free to check with me anytime.

K

2009-02-22T17:11:00.000-06:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I did hear back from K shortly after I sent the email, just did not have a chance to write until now. K is always great about getting back to me right away. Did I mention before how much I like her? I feel like I am in good hands with the agency and she is one of the reasons why.

Back to the update. K said she was surprised that I had not been matched yet. She said I “seem to be a very good surrogate.” She explained that it probably has a lot to do with the economy. All the agencies are being affected right now. Surrogacy is expensive enough as it is and with the couple needing to take out a separate insurance policy on me it is not helping my chances. My insurance company will not cover expenses related to surrogacy so the IPs (Intended Parents) will have to take out a policy for me. Because of the added costs many of the IPs are holding out for surrogates with insurance coverage. I hate that it all comes down to money. I don’t think anyone should have to pay to have a child but for some it’s the only way.

After many emails back and forth I have decided to lower my costs to the couple to help offset the additional costs of insurance. As I told K, I am not doing this for the money. She was sweet and wanted to make sure I was properly compensated. Because of the issue with the insurance and the fact that I am a first time surrogate I am already getting paid a lot less than most surrogates. She did not want to see me go any lower. I told her I was fine with it and was happy to help. She went ahead and updated my profile to reflect the new terms. We shall see what happens from here. This may be a longer wait than I thought.

2009-02-18T09:18:00.002-06:00

This blog is getting pretty boring huh? I wish I had an update. I've got nothing!

I thought for sure I would hear something by now. I have been asking other surrogates how long it took them to get matched and most of them were within a month. Some within days! Really?? So what's the hold up over here? If I don't hear something soon I am going to start to develop a complex! Lol.

I emailed the director again this morning. Hopefully I will hear something back soon. I will update when I do. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Email response

2009-01-17T11:05:00.007-06:00

Here were are at the start of a new year.

Now that the holidays have come and gone and life is settling back into a somewhat normal routine, my mind is set on making this surrogacy happen. I am as anxious as ever to get started. I am giddy at the thought that this could be the year I get to make someone's dream come true!

I was debating on whether or not to call the agency since it had been awhile since I have heard anything. With some encouragement from the great women on the surrogacy support boards I decided I will call on Monday. While emailing another hopeful surrogate last night I decided that I couldn't wait until Monday. I needed to hear something NOW. Remember what I said, I am not a patient person! Lol. So I email the agency late last night. I was so excited to see a response from the director first thing this morning! Here is what she wrote:

Diana,

You are on the database. We have the most surrogates we have had in a very long time, so it may take a little while. We were very slow during November and December and did not add a lot of new clients. We have, however, this last week, started really picking back up. So, I don’t think it will take that long. A good deal of the surrogates on the database currently will not give the couple the option to terminate, so I think that helps to match you sooner a lot. I have two clients coming in next week and I think you are a good match for one who is from Arizona. They are ready to go now. Check with me after Wednesday to see how it goes. I also have two clients waiting to be matched. One only wants a Georgia surrogate, the other one won’t be back until the end of this month and will pick someone then.

Thanks much for checking,
K

To clarify about the "termination" issue K mentioned, I gave the couple the option to terminate if there were something wrong with the baby. While this is something I could never do myself I felt like this was their baby and their decision. It is a decision I know would be very difficult for all parties involved but I would support whatever they decide and do my best to help them through their difficult time. I did not, however, agree to selective reduction.

To increase the chances of pregnancy the doctor will implant 2 or more fertilized eggs. It is rare that they all take, but possible. They can implant 6 and all 6 of them will take! There are many factors involved. I won't bore with all the details. I just want those that may not be familiar with the process to have a general idea of how it works so you can know where I am coming from. Selective reduction means that the couple has the ability to terminate one or more of the embryos to achieve the number of babies (or simply, baby) they desire. I cannot see terminating a perfectly healthy pregnancy. At least give them a fighting chance is my take on it. As just so you know, they will not be implanting 6 embryos! Lol.

It may sound like I am contradicting myself. You may be saying, well then why terminate for health reasons? Why not give the baby that's there a fighting chance? Believe me, I would! But the way I see it, this couple has obviously been through a lot of heartache already if they are having to turn to surrogacy. I can't imagine that this would be an easy decision for them. Everyone has their breaking point though. If they are told their baby had little chance of survival outside the womb and they felt like they couldn't handle it emotionally to have this child die in their arms then why put them through that? God forbid anything like this actually happen, but if it did I feel like the couple should have the option to decide what is best for them and their family.

I hope that makes sense and I apologize if this upsets anyone. I had some difficult decisions to make when i decided to go through with the surrogacy. This certainly was not an easy decision to have to make.

If I hear anything later this week I will be sure to update. Keep the prayers going and the fingers crossed!

Phone tag

2008-12-14T14:22:00.004-06:00

I finally broke down and called the agency. I left a message for the Assistant Director, T. I said I was calling to check the status of my file and see if they had everything they needed from me. T called me back the following morning but unfortunately I was out. Her message said that she happen to be reviewing my file that morning and it looks like they have everything the need to date. She said they are going to see what they can do to “get things going for me soon.” Not sure what that means exactly. I am assuming that means I am eligible to become a surrogate. I did call back and left a second message for T asking if she wouldn‘t mind calling me back to explain the process to me. I wanted to know what the next step is. Basically, where do we go from here. That was Wednesday.

Hopefully we can get things rolling after the first of the year. K did mention that it is hard to get matched this time of year. She said a lot of people take time off during the holidays. Makes sense. The holidays are stressful enough without the added stress of trying to conceive. As anxious as I am I don’t think I would want to be on those hormones right now anyway. Just get me through the holidays and I will be good to go.
:-)

Can you hear the Jeopardy music playing?

2008-11-25T15:09:00.002-06:00

I wish I had some big, exciting update to put on here but I don’t. I am trying to be patient. Those who know me know that is not one of my strong suits though. I sent the last of my documents to go in my file. Now there is nothing more I can do then sit here twiddling my thumbs while I wait for news of my acceptance (or rejection). I sent an email to the assistant director last night. I was trying to think of a way of asking her when I will get my answer without coming across as overly anxious or pushy. I let her know that although I am excited to start the journey I do understand that they have a lot to take into consideration when choosing a surrogate. I said I am will to take all the time that is necessary and that I was simply asking out of curiosity. Okay, so that is only half true. ;-)

I continue to stalk some of the blogs I found on surrogacy. Some are just starting out on their journey. A couple of them have already delivered their babies and are talking about life after the birth. I really appreciate the insight they have given me into the surrogacy process. Hopefully I will be able to do the same for someone else one day.

I have also been reading a couple of blogs from the intended mother’s (IM) perspective. Those are hard to read. Several times I’ve had to walk away because I was in tears. I thought I had an idea of what these women go through but I am finding I was only scratching the surface. Their stories are heartbreaking. While this reaffirms why I want to become a surrogate I decided I need to take a breather from reading these particular blogs. I hope that doesn’t make me weak. It’s not that I felt like I couldn’t continue to read them because it was too much emotionally, but more because I had to stop myself from emailing one of them to offer myself as their surrogate. I’m sure they will find a terrific woman to give them a baby someday. I pray they find someone soon. I do need to be careful about how I go about this though. There is so much more than telling someone I will carry their baby and having them agree. There are legal issues involved. I don’t think that is something I can handle on my own. That’s where the agency comes into play. They will look out for the best interest of both parties.

Back to being patient…….or NOT! ;-) I will update when I hear something. Until then keep your fingers crossed for me!

The Interview

2008-11-17T22:08:00.002-06:00

Today was interview day. I was surprisingly calm going in there. It helped to have DH by my side. He has a way of putting me at ease in stressful situations simply with his presence. He was there to be interviewed as well.

When we walked into the office I was directed to a room to start filling out some forms. Once I was done with that DH and I got to meet the Agency Director who is also a Licensed Counselor. First she addressed DH and wanted to know how he felt about me becoming a surrogate. They needed to make sure I had his full support. She also wanted to know if he had any questions or concerns about the process. He had a few questions about the medications I would have to take. I forgot to tell him of his role in helping with the injections. Oops! He wasn’t too worried about it. He just wanted to know why it was necessary for me to have the injections. K(the director) was great at explaining the process to us both.

Once DH proved to be a supportive husband he was excused so K could complete her evaluation on me. She basically went over my application packet and asked me to elaborate on a few things, nothing too grueling. ;-) Overall I felt like it went well. At one point K mentioned having a couple in mind for me. I will take that as a good sign!

After the interview I had to take a drug test. I was given what looked like a double lined pregnancy test with a swab on the end. I had to scrape the inside of my mouth then hold it under my tongue for a few minutes. Interesting. It came back negative. Not that I expected otherwise. :-)

And last but not least, the 567 question psych evaluation. Do I hear small voices in my head? Everyday! Four of them to be exact. Lol. I did have to giggle at some of the questions. Hopefully I won’t need to be committed once the results come back. ;-)

I’m not sure what the next step is. I was told they would contact me. So now I wait. From what I’ve read we will be doing a lot of that. I will update when I know more.

Where this journey begins

2008-11-09T09:03:00.002-06:00

It all started after I had the first of my four children. Having him opened up a whole new world to me. It was the world of motherhood. This was a place I had always dreamed of for as long as I could remember. I loved (and still do!) everything about being a mom. I must to have 4 kids! Lol. Here I was living my dream and I had to sit back and watch someone dear to me struggle to realize that same dream. That is when I first thought about surrogacy. I mentioned it to DH (Dear Husband)but I don’t believe he thought I was serious. I never said a word to anyone else about it, including the person whom my intentions were geared towards. Luckily she was able to conceive on her own soon after. After that the whole surrogacy issue was pushed aside, although never out of my mind. DH and I discussed it here and there over the years. He argued that he didn’t think I could handle it emotionally. I argued that I could but it never went any further than that.

In the months before trying to conceive my third child I joined an online message board. I got to chat with several women who were also trying to become pregnant. I got to know these women very well. I still “talk” to several of them. They were there to see me through my obsessive testing and finally my positive pregnancy test. They were there to listen to my complaints of morning sickness and cheer me on through all my milestones. I in turn, got to share in theirs. Not all though. There were a few dear friends whose journey was a long one. Some were eventually able to conceive on their own, others with assistance. Then were those that had to sit back and watch the rest of us have our babies while they had to experience month after month of heartache. I questioned why. I wanted to know why these dear women who I know would make amazing mothers were left childless. I wanted to fix it. They deserve to experience that same happiness I get to experience everyday. This is why I want to do this. They are why I want to do this. For them and all those who I’ve met who know that struggle all to well.

With the birth of our fourth child I felt complete. I thought I would revisit the subject of surrogacy with DH. I felt like since we were done adding to our family it was time to help someone else start their family. He was surprisingly supportive this time. He finally realized how serious I was about doing this. I did have to reassure him that I was okay with handing the baby over in the end. As I explained to him, I am going into this with a completely different mindset then that of my own pregnancies. The type of surrogacy I would be doing is called Gestational Surrogacy. In this scenario the baby would have no genetic link to me. I would be happy to go into more detail later but I will leave it at that for now. Like I told DH, I don’t see it as giving the baby up. I would be giving the baby “back” to his/her parents. The baby is theirs to begin with, I would just be baking it for them. ;-)

Of course we had to get the kids approval before we proceeded. I wanted to talk to them about my intentions and answer any questions they may have. They had many questions and I answered them as best I could. They understood that the baby would not be our baby. I did have to explain in full detail about the medical procedures involved. I was impressed by how well they handled all the information. B wanted to know if they would get to meet the baby and hold him/her before the parents took them home. I am sure that won't be a problem. M was a little confused. I did not expect her to understand. She is only three after all. She just wanted to make sure the intended parents (IPs) did not take D away from us. I had to explain that D is OUR baby and no one can take her away from us. I think she gets it now. The kids are actually very excited about the surrogacy. I think this will be a great experience for them too. What better way to teach them about giving than this?!

This will give me a great opportunity to see a pregnancy through someone else’s eyes. I will get to witness the excitement and the anticipation through the intended couple. I would love to see their faces during that first ultrasound. The whole process would be so fulfilling. And the birth…….I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Now this is all hypothetical at the moment. I am nowhere near that point. I have been in contact with an agency. I put in an online application and heard back from them the very next day. They wanted to know more about me so we set up an interview for Nov. 17th. That is a little over a week away! I am very excited and admittedly a tad nervous. For now I am trying to do as much research as I can. I found some great blogs to keep me occupied. They have been a great source of information as well. This has really helped me to see what I have to look forward to.

I guess I better not get ahead of myself here. One step at a time. Step one is the interview. I will update on that after the 17th.