Trying to stay hopeful

So I actually started to get my hopes up. Late Wednesday I had a bout of nausea. Thursday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open all day. I had a little bit of nausea that morning before going in for the beta HCG. I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or if I was finally starting to feel pregnancy symptoms. I tried not to look too much into it. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I got the call around 1:00pm. I was told the results were positive for pregnancy. My excitement was short lived when she added a “but”. We were pregnant but the numbers were extremely low. My heart sank. The nurse said it is looking like a chemical pregnancy. The embryo implanted but likely failed to develop. That is what she is speculating anyway. They want to check my levels again on Saturday. She added that she has never had a patient come in with low numbers like this and have them double, but that I could surprise them. I am trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s not looking good. I have been praying over this ever since I heard the news. I know miracles can happen. We could use a miracle right about now.

Scared

Moment of truth tomorrow! I am a nervous wreck. I want so bad to be able to give IPs good news tomorrow but am fearful that I won’t be able to. I keep waiting for some defining sign of being pregnant. Through my four pregnancies and my surrogacies I have become pretty good at reading my body. I’m just not feeling it this time. I hope to God I am wrong. I have tried very hard to stay positive but it’s hard. I feel absurdly normal right now. I have no symptoms. I did have some cramping from 4dpt to 7dpt. Now it just feels like I am getting ready to start my cycle. I’m sad and I am scared. I am praying for strength, for peace (within myself and with the situation), and most of all I am praying for a miracle! I have already decided I was not going to pursue surrogacy any further if it did not work this time. It is getting to be too much physically and emotionally. Should our results be negative tomorrow and IPs want to try again I will continue with them but when they are done I am done. I have given so much of myself to do this. This has been a part of who I am for the past 3 years. It’s like if I don’t do this I will feel incomplete. I wanted more than anything to help these families. If I feel incomplete I can only image how they feel. I don't want to let them down.

Here we go again!

It’s been awhile! I am happy to say I am continuing my efforts as a surrogate. I was matched with a wonderful couple in November of 2010. When I had first talked to IM on the phone I had an instant feeling that we would be a good match. We had a lot of the same beliefs and feelings about the pregnancy and what type of relationship we would like to have after the birth. We both felt that we could not go through something like this without forming a special bond. While the bond I anticipate having with the baby would not be that of my own child, I do anticipate caring a great deal about my little friend. It is important to me to maintain contact after the baby is born. It’s not just about the baby it’s about watching this family that I helped create grow together.

The process was a bit drawn out this go round. IPs are using a different RE so I had to transfer my complete medical history to the new clinic. I appreciate them being so thorough but it was a lot of information to pull together. They wanted the history from each of my own pregnancies and my surrogacy history. That included 3 different OB’s, 2 different hospitals, and 2 different RE’s. It took months to get it all together. By the time we were done the RE was given a novel of my reproductive life. After reviewing all of my information I was approved as a gestational carrier.

It had been a couple of years since I had my psych evaluation so the RE required that I repeat it. The questionnaire was even better the second time around. Haha! I was able to meet with the same counselor as last time. I am really glad I had the opportunity to talk to her again. I talked to her about my concerns and my hopes. Of course I was nervous given my experiences as a surrogate to date. My biggest fear is letting this family down. I know what is at stake here. I want more than anything to be able to give this family the baby they so want and deserve. I had to work through my issues of feeling like a failure when the previous attempts did not work. I have to believe it is all a part of God’s plan. I still feel like I was lead on this path for a reason and I am determined to see this through. God willing!

This journey was a bit different from the others since this time is a fresh embryo transfer. I was excited for the chance to try a fresh transfer. I definitely had to have a bit more patience this go round. There was no set schedule. I was spoiled with my frozen transfers in that aspect. ;-) At least I knew what to expect and when. When I was given my schedule this time it had the word “tentative” written all over it. I knew this going into it so I was ready for whatever they needed to me to do when they needed me to do it. The medication protocol was different this time as well. I had to do Lupron injections for a month before the retrieval. I had horrible headaches right after starting the injections. I did some research and found out that the Lupron tanks your estrogen levels causing menopause like symptoms. I had the hot flashes and fatigue as well. Not fun! As soon as I started introducing my estrogen patches the headaches began to subside. No progesterone injections this time. I was thankful for that. They have me on Crinone which is a gel. It’s not as bad as the suppositories I was on previously but still not my favorite thing to do. I shouldn’t complain. At least it’s not the shots! I think DH was a bit relieved with that as well.

Everything went well with my appointments. I responded to the medications well. At my first lining check I was all set for transfer. My hormone levels have been great. All I had to do was wait for IM to trigger and have her retrieval. I did not get a chance to talk to her much while we were cycling but I thought of her constantly. I was hoping she was handling the medications well. When we did talk I found out she had the same issues with the Lupron. Other than that she responded fairly well to her meds. There was a slight delay when they did her follicle scan. The first scan showed 8 mature follicles on one ovary and 4 follicles on the other ovary that had not yet matured. She went in a few days later and they said she was still not quite ready to trigger. IM was disappointed in the news. I couldn’t blame her. I tried to stay positive for the both of us. They increased her medications that evening and had her come back the following morning. We got the good news that afternoon that she was ready to trigger. They schedule the egg retrieval/fertilization two days later. They were able to retrieve 18 eggs! We were very excited to have that many to work with, especially considering the concerns we had just a few days before. The only downside was that IM was in pain for a few days following the retrieval. It sounds like they worked very hard to get those eggs. Bless her!

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. Of the 11, 9 embryos made it to transfer with 7 of them good for transfer. We decided to transfer the 2 best embryos. We had one that was a 4BB and the other was a grade 3 the morning of the transfer. By the time they checked the embryos as we were getting ready to transfer the number two embie was upgraded to a 4BB. We were all elated with the news. The doctor seemed to be pleased as well. DH, IM, and IF got to be in the room with me during the procedure. I loved seeing the looks on their faces. They were so happy. I would love to be there to see their faces when they get their positive pregnancy news. This is me being hopeful and thinking positive thoughts for all of us.

I am currently 5 days past transfer. I am not any more patient than I was with my own two week waits or the previous 2ww as a surrogate. I am trying not to overanalyze every little twinge and pain. Any woman that has been here waiting to find out if she is pregnant knows that that is next to impossible. I can’t say that I am having any real defining symptoms yet. I did wake up feeling shaky and weak yesterday morning. Even after eating something I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling. I felt a little better after taking a nap. Today I have had some sharp pains off and on in my pelvic area. The more I was up and around the worse it got so I decided to cut my task short this afternoon and take it easy. I have not discussed testing with IPs. Of course I am dying to know but I am also fearful of the results if I did test. Our beta is scheduled for Thursday, the 25th. We will see if I can hold out until then.

In Limbo

I figured I better come back to update now that I am a little less hormonal. ;-) Emotionally and physically I am in a better place. I still wish things could have been different but it is what it is and I can’t change that, unfortunately. All I can do is continue to pray for the parents and hope that they will one day have the family they always hoped for.

IPs seem to be doing okay. Last I heard from IM they were going to look into a couple of different options, possibly adoption or trying surrogacy again with donor eggs. I feel better knowing that they do have options and that they are not giving up.

I haven’t made any decisions about where I am going to go from here in regards to surrogacy. If IPs need me I will be here for them but beyond that I just don’t know right now. My feelings have not changed about why I wanted to do this. I'm a bit torn. It’s been a rough road so far and it does make me a little hesitant. I do believe I can learn a thing or two from the IPs about not giving up. I think it’s just too soon to even think about moving on right now. As they say, time heals all wounds. Let’s hope so.

Can someone please wake me from this nightmare?!

Another journey has come to an end long before it should have. I am extremely saddened and discouraged by everything that has happened.

Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.

Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.

That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).

I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.

I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.

FET Transfer 3/26

The transfer went very well on Friday. Everything happened so fast that I don’t remember half of it. The Valium may have had something to do with that. Haha!

All four embryos were thawed. Three of the embryos looked really good and the fourth was not so great. We decided to transfer the three good embryos. IM was in the room with me during the procedure. I remember having my blood drawn and getting the Valium in my arm. The actual transfer part is a bit fuzzy. Apparently I was talking the whole time and repeated myself a few times. Too funny! At some point DH was able to join us. They had me lay there for an hour and then we were released to go home. That’s really about all I remember. That and the nurse giving me a hard time about carrying my purse on the way out. Oops! ;-) Apparently I made an appointment for the 9th for my Beta HCG but I don’t remember that either! The ride home was a bit of a blur too. I wound up sleeping for several hours when we got home.

My do’s and don’t for the next couple of weeks:

Home rest for 3 days. That means staying off of my feet in a reclining position.
No vacuuming, cleaning, exercising, or swimming (Oh darn! Lol)
Do not lift heavy objects. That is defined as anything over 5lbs. This may be a bit of a challenge with my 2yr old but we will figure it out.
The rest is the usual do’s and don’ts of pregnancy.

So far the bed rest is going okay. In theory spending three days in bed and giving up all responsibilities sounds good but it’s harder than it looks. Especially for someone who is not used to sitting still at all. I have four kids, I don’t have time to sit still! Lol. DH is doing a great job managing it all. Though I am sure he will be happy to have me back on my feet tomorrow. ;-)

IM and I have talked about doing a home pregnancy test(HPT) before the 2wk appt. I am not a patient person to begin with and when it comes to something this big each day waiting to find out is a day too long. I want to know NOW! ;-) I’m sure IPs feel the same way. I’m not sure when I will test but I probably won’t post anything until we have confirmation from the doctor. In the meantime we will continue to pray for good news. IM gave me a beautiful cross that I have at my bedside to remind me to have faith. With God all things are possible. I do have faith in that. :-)

FET Schedule

Things are continuing to go well. I started my FET med schedule on the 8th. I went in on the 12th for an ultrasound and some blood work to see how I was responding to the medications. My lining was 9.5mm and my E2 levels were a little over 400. I was told that was a rapid response. Always good to hear I am responding well because then it makes me feel like the odds are in our favor. My only concern with this was that since the transfer was not scheduled until the 26th I wondered if would we be okay to wait that long. We were originally looking at the 19th but the doctor was going to be out of town that day so we moved it to the following Friday. I went back for another ultrasound yesterday and the lining was 14.8mm and E2 was 900. It looks great now. The doctor feels like we are still okay to do the transfer on the 26th. I’ll start my injections and the rest of the medications tomorrow. Nurse Hubby (downgraded from Doctor Hubby after a bad injection with the last transfer. Lol!) is not happy about giving me shots again. Not my favorite part either but we do what we have to for the cause. :-)

We are all very anxious. Not just for the transfer but for the final results. Many prayers will be said over the next few weeks.