UPDATES!

Do I get the worst blogger award or what? I have been meaning to get on and update but life has been go, go, go lately with very little time to sit down and do much at all. So much has happened so fast with the surrogacy. Shortly before receiving the final decision from IPs I started taking steps to move on. I kind of had this feeling that they were done. C(lawyer) told me about this other couple that she was working with. She thought we would be a good match so she had me transfer my records from RE to their clinic just in case. So much time had past between the miscarriage and getting the final word from Ips, I knew I would not feel fulfilled until I completed a surrogacy so soon after I received the decision I agreed to meet with the other couple.

On Feb 6th DH and I made arrangements to meet with the couple C had been telling me about. I was a bundle of nerves but as soon as we all sat down together they made us feel very comfortable. They remind me a lot of DH and myself, laid back and easy to talk to. We had a nice time getting to know them over dinner. They told us about their struggles with TTC. They had tried for a few years on their own and due to medical reasons they decided to turn to surrogacy. They did have one transfer with a surrogate in November of this past year but the pregnancy was unsuccessful. The surrogate was going through a lot in her own life and it started to put a strain on the relationship with the IPs. They decided that it was best to part ways and look for other options. After meeting them and hearing about their struggles DH and I had already decided on the way home from dinner that night that I would help them if I could. They are a really sweet couple and have been though so much. It doesn’t seem fair. I was thrilled when we got home and their was an email from IM about moving forward together. Of course I replied yes!

Things have been moving pretty fast from there. Since I have had most of my testing done and they had all of their testing done we were able to skip over a lot of the preliminary stuff. I had my first appointment with the new RE on Feb. 12th. They did a physical exam and an ultrasound. There was one questionable spot on the ultrasound. The NP thought I might have retained something from the last pregnancy. If that were the case then I would have to have a D&C. It was such a small spot and she could only see it if she held the wand at a certain angle. I wasn’t too worried about it. We went ahead and scheduled a hysterosonogram to get a better look. I was given a prescription for Estradiol at the appointment and told to start that right away. This is the same medication I took with the last transfer to help build up the uterine lining.

On February 17th I had a test transfer and the hysterosonogram. With the test transfer the basically go through the same steps as the actual transfer minus the embryos. They take a catheter and insert it into the uterus through the cervix. With the ultrasound they can get see the position of the catheter and take measurements of how far it needs to be inserted. The hysterosono is where they insert a tube in which they pump a sterile solution into the uterus which expands the uterus and makes it easier to see. They use an internal ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. The procedure only take a few minutes. Some women experience discomfort with the procedure but I was one of the lucky ones that had no discomfort. I did have some cramping after the procedure but Advil was able to help with that. Overall it was not bad at all, and everything checked out okay so I was very happy about that.

C is working on the contract and should have that to us very soon. Monday we meet with IPs at the RE to sign off on the consents. I have to have a couple of tests done while I am there. I can’t remember the names exactly but one is to test my clotting factor and the other is checking for autoimmune disorders. They are checking for anything that may keep my body from allowing a pregnancy to progress. I don’t anticipate any problems with either test. I will be starting my Prometrium that night. I take that along with the Estradiol for 10 days and then cease medications. This should prompt me to start my cycle. As soon as I start we will move forward with the IVF protocol. As of right now we have a tentative transfer date set for March 19th. I am very excited for IPs. I have been praying over this process and will continue praying until they have a healthy baby in their arms.

Moving on

I finally received word from my surro-family about their decision regarding the surrogacy. It saddens me to say that they have decided not to continue. Emotionally they are not ready. Knowing the challenges they have faced in the past and having gone through this recent loss with them, I can see why they are hesitant to try again. I do wish things could have turned out differently. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason though.

My feelings towards surrogacy have not changed. If anything I am even more determined than ever to see this through. I have been communicating with C, the surrogacy attorney, over the past few weeks about what we would do should the family decide not to move forward. It sounds like she already has some couples in mind for me. I should hopefully hear back from her soon about setting up meetings.

Where do we go from here?

I thought IPs had two embryos left. I forgot they only had four to start with. On the day of the transfer all four were thawed. Three were good. We implanted two and the last was to be refrozen. Unfortunately the last embryo did not make it through the refreezing process. It was upsetting news. I don't know where we are going to go from here. There is the option IM can do another egg retrieval. I don't know if she is up for that. She has already said that maybe it was not meant for them to have more children. I feel bad hearing her say that. I realize that she has been through a lot. I wish this could be easier for them.

I am going to give them some time to sort through their options and decide if they want to move forward or not. I did let them know that I am here for them should they decide to try again. I will not push the issue. I am going to wait until after the holidays and see where they are at with their decision. I don't want to think of moving on without them. Should they decide they are done, well, then we will cross that bridge when we get there. I do still have a strong desire to be a surrogate. I feel it in my heart that this is something I was meant to do. I want to see this through and hope that it will be with my current IPs.

This journey has come to a halt

I am still in shock as I type this. On Friday, Sept. 4th I went in for a routine ultrasound. IF met me there. IM was not feeling well that morning so she stayed home fearing she might get me sick. I felt bad that she could not be there but I was excited for IF to finally get to see the baby. We were in good spirits as I lay on the table waiting for a glimpse of Baby N. He was amazed when I showed him how I was already getting a belly. As the technician searched around I started to feel a sudden sense of panic. Her expression gave her away. Then she said the dreaded words, “there is no heartbeat.” She went on to tell us that while I should have been measuring 8wks1d, I was only measuring 6wks4d. While all this was going on I was still trying to rationalize in my head that she was wrong and that she just wasn’t looking hard enough. I knew in my heart I was the one that was wrong. I felt the ache as soon as I saw her face. I looked at IF and saw the always smiling face turned to worry. That was hard to see. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears. We were told to go back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to arrive. He was on his way in from one of his other locations. For a few moments we said nothing. I don’t remember how the conversation started, just that I ended up in tears with IF trying to console me. I felt pathetic. Shouldn’t I have been the one consoling him? I pulled myself together and we talked about this and that until we were called back to see the doctor. As we walked into that room we were both clinging to hope. The doctor wanted to do another scan. I silently prayed while he searched from some sign of a heartbeat. Unfortunately he was unable to find anything. He showed us the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac, and the spot where the baby was. He said the lining was nice and thick and there was no physical reason for the baby’s failure to thrive. He said it was just a bad embryo. It was heartbreaking news.

Before IF left I wanted to say something to him, something to comfort him. All I could manage was a teary-eyed “sorry.” I had my breakdown in the car. Once I calmed down enough to manage words I called a dear friend who was watching the girls for me. She was my angel that day. She helped me keep it together during my drive home. I have had a few breakdowns since then. It’s hard to explain how I am feeling. On top of feeling my own pain over the loss I am feeling the pain of the parents as well. My heart aches for them. I know how loved this baby was already. I hate to see that taken away from them. It’s not fair. Then there is that part of me that feels like I failed them. I know it’s not my fault. I know that but I still can’t shake the guilt. It was my responsibility to keep this baby safe and do all I could to ensure the health of this child. I did everything in my power to make sure Baby N was well taken care of. Like I said, I know that but I can’t help how I feel.

Physically I still feel pregnant. Technically I still am. They opted not to do a D&C and decided to let things happen naturally. I have yet to start to miscarry. That in itself is a struggle. My body is telling me there is a baby in there but my mind knows better. It’s hard to find closure when I am stuck in limbo.

The parents are doing okay. I talked to IM Friday afternoon. I could hear the sadness in her voice but overall it seemed like she was handling the news well. As well as could be expected anyway. I haven’t called them since. I did send IM a text letting her know I was thinking of them and keeping them in my prayers. I understand that they need to have time to grieve so I am giving them their space.

I don’t know where we are going to go from here. I don’t know if they want to try again with the remaining embryo. There is a possibility there might be two embryos left. There was the one that they were going to refreeze. They had to let it mature an extra day to see how it did. I have not heard whether or not it survived. I hope it did. Anything to help increase their chances should they try again. I am willing if they are. My goal was to give this family a healthy baby. I am praying that one day I will still be able to do that.

How am I feeling?

I have been asked several times how I am feeling. I don't mind the question at all. Answering the question, however, has been a bit of a challenge. I am trying to stay upbeat and go about life like I am doing just fine. Honestly though, I am not feeling well most of the time. I am nauseous all day. I am exhausted and walking around in a fog. I frequently get headaches and hot flashes. I go back and forth from being hungry all the time to not feeling like eating. Either my food taste like the best thing I have ever tasted or it turns my stomach. Funny how I go from one extreme to another. There seems to be no middle ground with me right now. I am seriously bloated. I already look PG! It's not just in my belly though, my whole body looks puffy. Aside from all that the worst part is my crankiness. I am trying so hard not to let my mood affect my family. I can't say I have been 100% successful in my efforts. They have been very understanding and patient with me. I love them for that!

Please don't mistake this for a rant. I really am thankful for each and every symptom, regardless of how bad I am feeling. That is because I know that with each bout of nausea and every bit of lost sleep I am creating a miracle. I would not trade this experience for anything. I will continue to look ahead to that day I get to see my IPs holding their new baby and that makes it all worth while.

Baby Update:
At the u/s on Tuesday Baby N was measuring 5 days ahead of the last u/s. The previous u/s was exactly 5 days prior so the measurements were right on. Still no heartbeat but everything continues to look good. By the time we go back on 9/4 we should be able to see a nice, healthy heartbeat. IF was able to make arrangements so he could be there with us as well. It will be fun having both of them there for this appointment. We can all breathe a sigh of relief together once we finally get to see that little heartbeat. :-)

First Ultrasound

I had my first u/s on Thursday. There is only one baby in there, much to IM's relief. Lol. It was too early for us to see a heartbeat but we could see the pregnancy sac and the yolk sac. The nurse said it appeared to be a healthy PG. All the measurements were accurate for our due date. I finally got a due date! Baby N, as I will refer to him/her, will be due on April 19,2010. This is also my DD's birthday. We thought that was pretty cool.

IM was at the appointment with me. It was fun watching her expression as the nurse explained to us what we were seeing. She was able to get a picture for IF. When I talked to him he said he keeps looking at the picture in fascination. They are both so happy. I can't even explain the feeling of warmth I feel when I see their faces or hear them talk about the baby. It's a good feeling my friends.

I go back on Tuesday for another u/s and more blood work. I was originally scheduled for a third u/s Friday 8/28 but we are going to see if we can reschedule for the following Friday so IF can be there too. They were not kidding when they said they monitor these pregnancies more closely. Oh well, it will be fun to watch Baby N's progress. :-)

The results are in!

And it is fantastic news.....I am pregnant!!! The Beta was 598miU at 14dpt. The nurse said the numbers sound good for a healthy singleton. Perfect! Of course there is still the possibility that both embryos took and we could have a little extra surprise at the ultrasound. I should have an ultrasound performed sometime within the next couple of weeks.

I was hoping to be able to tell IPs the good news myself but the nurse had already called them before I had a chance to speak with them. I had planned on having a little fun with them. :-) I was going to tell them I had good news and bad news. The good news was that I am pregnant and the bad news being that they were stuck with me for the next nine months. Haha! I told them what I had planned and laughed about it. They were just so happy. Their excitement made my day. I feel blessed to be able to give this gift to such an amazing couple. This is going to be one lucky kid.