I am still in shock as I type this. On Friday, Sept. 4th I went in for a routine ultrasound. IF met me there. IM was not feeling well that morning so she stayed home fearing she might get me sick. I felt bad that she could not be there but I was excited for IF to finally get to see the baby. We were in good spirits as I lay on the table waiting for a glimpse of Baby N. He was amazed when I showed him how I was already getting a belly. As the technician searched around I started to feel a sudden sense of panic. Her expression gave her away. Then she said the dreaded words, “there is no heartbeat.” She went on to tell us that while I should have been measuring 8wks1d, I was only measuring 6wks4d. While all this was going on I was still trying to rationalize in my head that she was wrong and that she just wasn’t looking hard enough. I knew in my heart I was the one that was wrong. I felt the ache as soon as I saw her face. I looked at IF and saw the always smiling face turned to worry. That was hard to see. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears. We were told to go back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to arrive. He was on his way in from one of his other locations. For a few moments we said nothing. I don’t remember how the conversation started, just that I ended up in tears with IF trying to console me. I felt pathetic. Shouldn’t I have been the one consoling him? I pulled myself together and we talked about this and that until we were called back to see the doctor. As we walked into that room we were both clinging to hope. The doctor wanted to do another scan. I silently prayed while he searched from some sign of a heartbeat. Unfortunately he was unable to find anything. He showed us the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac, and the spot where the baby was. He said the lining was nice and thick and there was no physical reason for the baby’s failure to thrive. He said it was just a bad embryo. It was heartbreaking news.
Before IF left I wanted to say something to him, something to comfort him. All I could manage was a teary-eyed “sorry.” I had my breakdown in the car. Once I calmed down enough to manage words I called a dear friend who was watching the girls for me. She was my angel that day. She helped me keep it together during my drive home. I have had a few breakdowns since then. It’s hard to explain how I am feeling. On top of feeling my own pain over the loss I am feeling the pain of the parents as well. My heart aches for them. I know how loved this baby was already. I hate to see that taken away from them. It’s not fair. Then there is that part of me that feels like I failed them. I know it’s not my fault. I know that but I still can’t shake the guilt. It was my responsibility to keep this baby safe and do all I could to ensure the health of this child. I did everything in my power to make sure Baby N was well taken care of. Like I said, I know that but I can’t help how I feel.
Physically I still feel pregnant. Technically I still am. They opted not to do a D&C and decided to let things happen naturally. I have yet to start to miscarry. That in itself is a struggle. My body is telling me there is a baby in there but my mind knows better. It’s hard to find closure when I am stuck in limbo.
The parents are doing okay. I talked to IM Friday afternoon. I could hear the sadness in her voice but overall it seemed like she was handling the news well. As well as could be expected anyway. I haven’t called them since. I did send IM a text letting her know I was thinking of them and keeping them in my prayers. I understand that they need to have time to grieve so I am giving them their space.
I don’t know where we are going to go from here. I don’t know if they want to try again with the remaining embryo. There is a possibility there might be two embryos left. There was the one that they were going to refreeze. They had to let it mature an extra day to see how it did. I have not heard whether or not it survived. I hope it did. Anything to help increase their chances should they try again. I am willing if they are. My goal was to give this family a healthy baby. I am praying that one day I will still be able to do that.
