I figured I better come back to update now that I am a little less hormonal. ;-) Emotionally and physically I am in a better place. I still wish things could have been different but it is what it is and I can’t change that, unfortunately. All I can do is continue to pray for the parents and hope that they will one day have the family they always hoped for.
IPs seem to be doing okay. Last I heard from IM they were going to look into a couple of different options, possibly adoption or trying surrogacy again with donor eggs. I feel better knowing that they do have options and that they are not giving up.
I haven’t made any decisions about where I am going to go from here in regards to surrogacy. If IPs need me I will be here for them but beyond that I just don’t know right now. My feelings have not changed about why I wanted to do this. I'm a bit torn. It’s been a rough road so far and it does make me a little hesitant. I do believe I can learn a thing or two from the IPs about not giving up. I think it’s just too soon to even think about moving on right now. As they say, time heals all wounds. Let’s hope so.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Can someone please wake me from this nightmare?!
Another journey has come to an end long before it should have. I am extremely saddened and discouraged by everything that has happened.
Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.
Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.
That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).
I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.
I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.
Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.
Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.
That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).
I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.
I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
FET Transfer 3/26
The transfer went very well on Friday. Everything happened so fast that I don’t remember half of it. The Valium may have had something to do with that. Haha!
All four embryos were thawed. Three of the embryos looked really good and the fourth was not so great. We decided to transfer the three good embryos. IM was in the room with me during the procedure. I remember having my blood drawn and getting the Valium in my arm. The actual transfer part is a bit fuzzy. Apparently I was talking the whole time and repeated myself a few times. Too funny! At some point DH was able to join us. They had me lay there for an hour and then we were released to go home. That’s really about all I remember. That and the nurse giving me a hard time about carrying my purse on the way out. Oops! ;-) Apparently I made an appointment for the 9th for my Beta HCG but I don’t remember that either! The ride home was a bit of a blur too. I wound up sleeping for several hours when we got home.
My do’s and don’t for the next couple of weeks:
Home rest for 3 days. That means staying off of my feet in a reclining position.
No vacuuming, cleaning, exercising, or swimming (Oh darn! Lol)
Do not lift heavy objects. That is defined as anything over 5lbs. This may be a bit of a challenge with my 2yr old but we will figure it out.
The rest is the usual do’s and don’ts of pregnancy.
So far the bed rest is going okay. In theory spending three days in bed and giving up all responsibilities sounds good but it’s harder than it looks. Especially for someone who is not used to sitting still at all. I have four kids, I don’t have time to sit still! Lol. DH is doing a great job managing it all. Though I am sure he will be happy to have me back on my feet tomorrow. ;-)
IM and I have talked about doing a home pregnancy test(HPT) before the 2wk appt. I am not a patient person to begin with and when it comes to something this big each day waiting to find out is a day too long. I want to know NOW! ;-) I’m sure IPs feel the same way. I’m not sure when I will test but I probably won’t post anything until we have confirmation from the doctor. In the meantime we will continue to pray for good news. IM gave me a beautiful cross that I have at my bedside to remind me to have faith. With God all things are possible. I do have faith in that. :-)
All four embryos were thawed. Three of the embryos looked really good and the fourth was not so great. We decided to transfer the three good embryos. IM was in the room with me during the procedure. I remember having my blood drawn and getting the Valium in my arm. The actual transfer part is a bit fuzzy. Apparently I was talking the whole time and repeated myself a few times. Too funny! At some point DH was able to join us. They had me lay there for an hour and then we were released to go home. That’s really about all I remember. That and the nurse giving me a hard time about carrying my purse on the way out. Oops! ;-) Apparently I made an appointment for the 9th for my Beta HCG but I don’t remember that either! The ride home was a bit of a blur too. I wound up sleeping for several hours when we got home.
My do’s and don’t for the next couple of weeks:
Home rest for 3 days. That means staying off of my feet in a reclining position.
No vacuuming, cleaning, exercising, or swimming (Oh darn! Lol)
Do not lift heavy objects. That is defined as anything over 5lbs. This may be a bit of a challenge with my 2yr old but we will figure it out.
The rest is the usual do’s and don’ts of pregnancy.
So far the bed rest is going okay. In theory spending three days in bed and giving up all responsibilities sounds good but it’s harder than it looks. Especially for someone who is not used to sitting still at all. I have four kids, I don’t have time to sit still! Lol. DH is doing a great job managing it all. Though I am sure he will be happy to have me back on my feet tomorrow. ;-)
IM and I have talked about doing a home pregnancy test(HPT) before the 2wk appt. I am not a patient person to begin with and when it comes to something this big each day waiting to find out is a day too long. I want to know NOW! ;-) I’m sure IPs feel the same way. I’m not sure when I will test but I probably won’t post anything until we have confirmation from the doctor. In the meantime we will continue to pray for good news. IM gave me a beautiful cross that I have at my bedside to remind me to have faith. With God all things are possible. I do have faith in that. :-)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
FET Schedule
Things are continuing to go well. I started my FET med schedule on the 8th. I went in on the 12th for an ultrasound and some blood work to see how I was responding to the medications. My lining was 9.5mm and my E2 levels were a little over 400. I was told that was a rapid response. Always good to hear I am responding well because then it makes me feel like the odds are in our favor. My only concern with this was that since the transfer was not scheduled until the 26th I wondered if would we be okay to wait that long. We were originally looking at the 19th but the doctor was going to be out of town that day so we moved it to the following Friday. I went back for another ultrasound yesterday and the lining was 14.8mm and E2 was 900. It looks great now. The doctor feels like we are still okay to do the transfer on the 26th. I’ll start my injections and the rest of the medications tomorrow. Nurse Hubby (downgraded from Doctor Hubby after a bad injection with the last transfer. Lol!) is not happy about giving me shots again. Not my favorite part either but we do what we have to for the cause. :-)
We are all very anxious. Not just for the transfer but for the final results. Many prayers will be said over the next few weeks.
We are all very anxious. Not just for the transfer but for the final results. Many prayers will be said over the next few weeks.
Friday, February 19, 2010
UPDATES!
Do I get the worst blogger award or what? I have been meaning to get on and update but life has been go, go, go lately with very little time to sit down and do much at all. So much has happened so fast with the surrogacy. Shortly before receiving the final decision from IPs I started taking steps to move on. I kind of had this feeling that they were done. C(lawyer) told me about this other couple that she was working with. She thought we would be a good match so she had me transfer my records from RE to their clinic just in case. So much time had past between the miscarriage and getting the final word from Ips, I knew I would not feel fulfilled until I completed a surrogacy so soon after I received the decision I agreed to meet with the other couple.
On Feb 6th DH and I made arrangements to meet with the couple C had been telling me about. I was a bundle of nerves but as soon as we all sat down together they made us feel very comfortable. They remind me a lot of DH and myself, laid back and easy to talk to. We had a nice time getting to know them over dinner. They told us about their struggles with TTC. They had tried for a few years on their own and due to medical reasons they decided to turn to surrogacy. They did have one transfer with a surrogate in November of this past year but the pregnancy was unsuccessful. The surrogate was going through a lot in her own life and it started to put a strain on the relationship with the IPs. They decided that it was best to part ways and look for other options. After meeting them and hearing about their struggles DH and I had already decided on the way home from dinner that night that I would help them if I could. They are a really sweet couple and have been though so much. It doesn’t seem fair. I was thrilled when we got home and their was an email from IM about moving forward together. Of course I replied yes!
Things have been moving pretty fast from there. Since I have had most of my testing done and they had all of their testing done we were able to skip over a lot of the preliminary stuff. I had my first appointment with the new RE on Feb. 12th. They did a physical exam and an ultrasound. There was one questionable spot on the ultrasound. The NP thought I might have retained something from the last pregnancy. If that were the case then I would have to have a D&C. It was such a small spot and she could only see it if she held the wand at a certain angle. I wasn’t too worried about it. We went ahead and scheduled a hysterosonogram to get a better look. I was given a prescription for Estradiol at the appointment and told to start that right away. This is the same medication I took with the last transfer to help build up the uterine lining.
On February 17th I had a test transfer and the hysterosonogram. With the test transfer the basically go through the same steps as the actual transfer minus the embryos. They take a catheter and insert it into the uterus through the cervix. With the ultrasound they can get see the position of the catheter and take measurements of how far it needs to be inserted. The hysterosono is where they insert a tube in which they pump a sterile solution into the uterus which expands the uterus and makes it easier to see. They use an internal ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. The procedure only take a few minutes. Some women experience discomfort with the procedure but I was one of the lucky ones that had no discomfort. I did have some cramping after the procedure but Advil was able to help with that. Overall it was not bad at all, and everything checked out okay so I was very happy about that.
C is working on the contract and should have that to us very soon. Monday we meet with IPs at the RE to sign off on the consents. I have to have a couple of tests done while I am there. I can’t remember the names exactly but one is to test my clotting factor and the other is checking for autoimmune disorders. They are checking for anything that may keep my body from allowing a pregnancy to progress. I don’t anticipate any problems with either test. I will be starting my Prometrium that night. I take that along with the Estradiol for 10 days and then cease medications. This should prompt me to start my cycle. As soon as I start we will move forward with the IVF protocol. As of right now we have a tentative transfer date set for March 19th. I am very excited for IPs. I have been praying over this process and will continue praying until they have a healthy baby in their arms.
On Feb 6th DH and I made arrangements to meet with the couple C had been telling me about. I was a bundle of nerves but as soon as we all sat down together they made us feel very comfortable. They remind me a lot of DH and myself, laid back and easy to talk to. We had a nice time getting to know them over dinner. They told us about their struggles with TTC. They had tried for a few years on their own and due to medical reasons they decided to turn to surrogacy. They did have one transfer with a surrogate in November of this past year but the pregnancy was unsuccessful. The surrogate was going through a lot in her own life and it started to put a strain on the relationship with the IPs. They decided that it was best to part ways and look for other options. After meeting them and hearing about their struggles DH and I had already decided on the way home from dinner that night that I would help them if I could. They are a really sweet couple and have been though so much. It doesn’t seem fair. I was thrilled when we got home and their was an email from IM about moving forward together. Of course I replied yes!
Things have been moving pretty fast from there. Since I have had most of my testing done and they had all of their testing done we were able to skip over a lot of the preliminary stuff. I had my first appointment with the new RE on Feb. 12th. They did a physical exam and an ultrasound. There was one questionable spot on the ultrasound. The NP thought I might have retained something from the last pregnancy. If that were the case then I would have to have a D&C. It was such a small spot and she could only see it if she held the wand at a certain angle. I wasn’t too worried about it. We went ahead and scheduled a hysterosonogram to get a better look. I was given a prescription for Estradiol at the appointment and told to start that right away. This is the same medication I took with the last transfer to help build up the uterine lining.
On February 17th I had a test transfer and the hysterosonogram. With the test transfer the basically go through the same steps as the actual transfer minus the embryos. They take a catheter and insert it into the uterus through the cervix. With the ultrasound they can get see the position of the catheter and take measurements of how far it needs to be inserted. The hysterosono is where they insert a tube in which they pump a sterile solution into the uterus which expands the uterus and makes it easier to see. They use an internal ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. The procedure only take a few minutes. Some women experience discomfort with the procedure but I was one of the lucky ones that had no discomfort. I did have some cramping after the procedure but Advil was able to help with that. Overall it was not bad at all, and everything checked out okay so I was very happy about that.
C is working on the contract and should have that to us very soon. Monday we meet with IPs at the RE to sign off on the consents. I have to have a couple of tests done while I am there. I can’t remember the names exactly but one is to test my clotting factor and the other is checking for autoimmune disorders. They are checking for anything that may keep my body from allowing a pregnancy to progress. I don’t anticipate any problems with either test. I will be starting my Prometrium that night. I take that along with the Estradiol for 10 days and then cease medications. This should prompt me to start my cycle. As soon as I start we will move forward with the IVF protocol. As of right now we have a tentative transfer date set for March 19th. I am very excited for IPs. I have been praying over this process and will continue praying until they have a healthy baby in their arms.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Moving on
I finally received word from my surro-family about their decision regarding the surrogacy. It saddens me to say that they have decided not to continue. Emotionally they are not ready. Knowing the challenges they have faced in the past and having gone through this recent loss with them, I can see why they are hesitant to try again. I do wish things could have turned out differently. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason though.
My feelings towards surrogacy have not changed. If anything I am even more determined than ever to see this through. I have been communicating with C, the surrogacy attorney, over the past few weeks about what we would do should the family decide not to move forward. It sounds like she already has some couples in mind for me. I should hopefully hear back from her soon about setting up meetings.
My feelings towards surrogacy have not changed. If anything I am even more determined than ever to see this through. I have been communicating with C, the surrogacy attorney, over the past few weeks about what we would do should the family decide not to move forward. It sounds like she already has some couples in mind for me. I should hopefully hear back from her soon about setting up meetings.
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