I figured I better come back to update now that I am a little less hormonal. ;-) Emotionally and physically I am in a better place. I still wish things could have been different but it is what it is and I can’t change that, unfortunately. All I can do is continue to pray for the parents and hope that they will one day have the family they always hoped for.
IPs seem to be doing okay. Last I heard from IM they were going to look into a couple of different options, possibly adoption or trying surrogacy again with donor eggs. I feel better knowing that they do have options and that they are not giving up.
I haven’t made any decisions about where I am going to go from here in regards to surrogacy. If IPs need me I will be here for them but beyond that I just don’t know right now. My feelings have not changed about why I wanted to do this. I'm a bit torn. It’s been a rough road so far and it does make me a little hesitant. I do believe I can learn a thing or two from the IPs about not giving up. I think it’s just too soon to even think about moving on right now. As they say, time heals all wounds. Let’s hope so.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Can someone please wake me from this nightmare?!
Another journey has come to an end long before it should have. I am extremely saddened and discouraged by everything that has happened.
Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.
Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.
That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).
I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.
I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.
Let me go back to the 2ww. At 3dpt(days past transfer) I started to have some cramping, similar to that of my last two pregnancies. I was hoping it was from implantation. In fact, I was almost sure it was. I took a home pregnancy test(HPT) the morning of 5dpt. At first glance the test appeared to be negative. I left it at that and went about my day. Later that evening I looked at the test again before throwing it away and I noticed there was a light line. I did not want to get too excited yet so I decided to wait and test again the next day. I did and the line came up right away and was slightly darker. When IM and I talked about me testing I had originally told her I was thinking about testing on 6dpt and she told me to call her if it was positive. When I called her she was happy to hear the good news but it sounded like she was a bit reserved. She confided in me that they had not told their families they were doing another transfer. I told her I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to be excited but after what happened with their last cycle and my last cycle I couldn’t help but to be reserved too. I know I have not been as vocal about this cycle as I was the last and that’s why. On 8dpt I took another test and it was darker than the one at 6dpt. Some of my fears started to subside. At 9dpt, Easter morning, I decided to take a digital HPT. I really wanted to surprise IPs with the picture of that “Pregnant.” I couldn’t think of a better day to do it. I was thrilled when the picture came up in less than 30 seconds. I was finally starting to get excited about this pregnancy. I was not having a lot of symptoms but enough to make me feel like I was really pregnant.
Fast forward a couple of days and all my symptoms seemed to have disappeared with the exception of tender breasts. Having been through something similar with my own loss I started to worry. I took another test on 12dpt to ease my mind. As soon as I saw the results I felt sick to my stomach. The line was as light as the first test I took at 5dpt. It should have been a lot darker at that point. I thought it had to be a fluke so I tested again. The line was about the same. That afternoon I decided to try my other digital test. It took a couple of minutes for the results this time but it did come up positive. I felt better but still not 100% reassured. I had DH pick up a couple of First Response test on his way home. They are supposed to be one of the more sensitive tests. I took it later that evening and the line was clearly visible. I wanted to take the second one the next morning to compare the lines. The test that morning (13dpt) was so light that I had to hold the test up to the light and really look for it. I knew that couldn’t be good. I had sent IM a message the night before letting her know about the tests getting lighter. I did not want to worry her but I wanted to let her know what was happening. She continued to stay positive so I tried to do the same. As much as I tried though I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that something was off. I took another test that night, the night before my Beta Hcg test, and although it took awhile to show there was a light line. At that point I was trying to convince myself that maybe the pregnancy started out as multiples and that we may have lost one. I prayed very hard that one of the babies was still hanging on.
That night I did not sleep at all. The morning of the Beta Hcg I was feeling emotional and scared. I wanted so bad to be able to give IPs the confirmation that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. I finally got the call from the nurse just before noon. I was in complete shock when she told be the Beta test was negative. The Hcg level was 2.2mIU. Anything below 5mIU is considered negative for pregnancy. I was sure there had to be a mistake. The nurse asked if I could come back in for another test and then said she would call the lab and call me right back. IM called shortly after to ask if I heard anything. I told her what the nurse said and she was just as surprised as I was. I told her my concerns about it possibly being a Chemical Pregnancy but that I hoped I was wrong. I couldn’t understand how in less than 24hrs I went from getting a positive pregnancy test to not having any Hcg in my system. Surely there was a mistake. Sadly I was wrong. They ran the test again and it came back with the same results. I asked the nurse how that could be possible and she could not offer me any answers. All she said was that the progesterone level indicated that my body was trying to support a pregnancy. Shock can only begin to describe how I felt. I felt sick, heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed (in myself and with the situation).
I don’t understand how we got to this point. Weren’t the odds in our favor? The lining was good, the embryos were good, the number of embryos we transferred should have increased our chances of a at least one of them taking. I barely moved for the 3 days of bed rest. I stayed off my feet as much as I could following the bed rest. I followed all of the doctors orders and never missed a dose of my medications. I was determined to make this work. So what went wrong? I will probably never know the answers to that. What’s worse is that the parents may never know. I cant imagine what they must be feeling right now. I have not talked to them since hearing the news. I understand that they need to deal with this in their own way. There is nothing I can say or do to make this any easier for them. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could take what happened over the last two weeks back. I wish I never tested. I wish I never filled IPs with false hope. More than anything I wish things could have turned out differently.
I don’t know where I will go from here. If IPs were in a position to try again I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sadly this was their last try to have child of their own. It kills me to even type that. I keep thinking over and over how wrong this is. They are wonderful people and I know they would be amazing parents. Any child would be lucky to have them as parents. They deserve to be parents. I was supposed to give that to them. I cant help to feel some responsibility for what happened. Although I was told it was not my fault and I know I did everything I could do, I can’t help the way I feel. I hate this! I wanted to do something good. I thought I was doing something good. Twice now I thought I was going to help a family but instead I have seen two families hurting. I have seen and felt too much pain in this process. I have put my body and my family through so much. Why? Because it was all going to be worth it in the end. But it’s not! I don’t know if I have it in me to go through this again. Only time will tell. Right now it hurts too much to think that far ahead. I’m afraid I wont have the same family support as I had before either. Its hard for them to watch me go through this too.
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