Is it over yet?

When I got that call on Sunday that the beta hCG levels have stalled and to stop the meds I thought that was it...it was over.  I wondered to myself what the point was of going in on Tuesday to have the levels checked again.  I almost backed out.  I started bleeding that morning.  I thought I was starting to miscarry.  On the one hand it was a sad sight because I knew what it meant.  On the other hand I was thankful that it was happening quick. At least I thought it was.  The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started. 

I went to my appointment certain that the hCG levels had dropped significantly.  If there is one thing this journey has taught me is to not expect anything with any certainty.  Imagine my surprise when I was told I needed to come back to the clinic right away to have an exam because my beta hCG had risen to 205.  The fear now was ectopic.  I made the hour drive back to the clinic to meet with the RE.  We went over the series of events over the past week.  He decided to do an ultrasound to see if he could find any inflammation in the tubes.  He was unable to find anything at all.  There was no visible sac in the uterus nor anything visible in either tube.  He said that it did not mean there was nothing there but likely too small for him to see.  When he walked out he looked back and told me his opinion was that it was not an ectopic pregnancy.  He ordered another beta hCG to make sure the levels had come down from that morning.  My belief is that he took into account that I had some bleeding that morning and concluded that I already started to pass the pregnancy.

It was not until the next morning that the nurse called me with the results.  In the five hours from the first beta to the second the hCG level went from 205 to 234.  Due to the bouncing levels and the fact that there was no visible sac in the uterus it was finally concluded that this is in fact an ectopic pregnancy.  I was told I needed to come in as soon as I could and receive a shot of Methotrexate.  This drug attacks the embryo at a cellular level and stops it from growing.  I did some reading up on it the night before because I wanted to know what would happen if I had to have this shot.  I read what it does and I knew how it worked walking into the clinic, but for some reason when I got there it all hit me at once.  I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  The nurse said there was no way of knowing if there was a healthy baby growing in there but it was absolutely necessary to terminate it for my sake.  I know my health is supposed to come first.  It does.  I made a promise to my family that I would put my health first, but knowing what was going on inside of me, what we had done the moment that shot was injected, made me ill.  I am still struggling with it.  We had no choice, I know.

It's hard to believe all of this happened only yesterday.  I feel like it has been days.  Today especially dragged.  I feel like I am being torn into two.  I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard.  Only my family and close friends know what it really going on.  Everyone else just knows that we were pregnant and we lost it.  Everyone wants to know how I am doing.  I tell them I am doing okay.  I'm lying.  I am a mess of emotions right now but they don't need to know that.  I give my husband a kiss good night and I turn over on my side to cry in silence.  I don't want him to worry.  I don't want my kids to see my pain.  I don't want to be pitied and I don't want to be judged by others.  I'm afraid if I tell them how I really feel it will bring all those emotions to the surface and I will lose it.  I hate crying in front of people.  Talking about it is not exactly therapeutic.  I know people mean well and I appreciate the concern.  I just don't know how to politely say I don't want to talk about it.  That's why when they ask how I am doing I am okay.  I will be okay.       

Let me go back to Thursday evening. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and noticed a spot of of pinkish-brown blood in my underwear. When I cleaned myself I noticed quite a bit more. Between seeing that and the pain I was having in my side I got scared. I did not know what to do so I called the after hours nurse. She said it could be one of three things; leftover blood from implantation, one of the chorionic villi pulling away, or possibly from an ectopic pregnancy. She was more concerned with the pain in my side than the bleeding. She suggested I take some Tylenol and try to get some rest. If things got worse throughout the night I was to go to their ER. She was going to consult with RE in the morning and let me know what he wanted me to do. I was so tired that I had no problem sleeping that night. The pain had mostly subsided by morning. I continued to have brown discharge throughout the day. RE said it sounded like it was old blood left over from implantation. By Saturday I was feeling fine and the spotting had stopped.

Despite what had happened I was feeling confident going in to have my levels checked on Sunday. Unfortunately the news was not good. My hCG level was 142. That was up from 133 on Wednesday. To maintain a normal doubling time my levels should have been over 500. My progesterone was up to 37 which was great but it was a little too late. I was told to stop all meds. They do want me to come back on Tuesday to have my levels checked again. They would still like to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. If my levels continue to bounce around they will give me a shot of Methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy.

My heart is heavy with sadness for the parents but I am trying so hard to keep it together for my family. I can't say I know exactly how IPs are doing right now. I have only talked to them through text messages. They said they were disappointed in the news and they wanted to know how I was doing. They have been amazingly supportive through this. I hope I was able to offer the same support to them. I wanted so much for this to work for them. I thought it was going to work this time. I feel like I just got off another roller coaster. I don't understand how this keeps happening. I have been reassured over and over that it's not me. I have had three different REs tell me as much. But why does this keep happening? Why do we always wind up in this same spot? I realize each situation was different and it's hard to compare them but the result is still the same. These families are still without a baby. I'm not saying I am giving up hope. Right now I am just trying to process everything that has happened over the past few weeks, especially this past week. I am certainly not giving up. There is a possibility we will try again with their frozen embryos. I was told by the nurse that there were two that made it to freeze. Once we get the results from Tuesday, pending everything checks out okay, IPs will have a consultation appointment with RE. Hopefully I will be cleared to continue and we won't have to wait too long before we can try again.

I am still having some pregnancy symptoms which does not make this any easier. I am a little scared of what will happen when I start to miscarry. The last miscarriage was awful. I don't want to go through that again. I am praying this time will be easier. I am not as far along as last time so hopefully that will make a difference. The anticipation of when I will start is nerve wracking. I want it to hurry up and happen so I can get it over with. It is hard to find peace with all that has happened when it is still happening. I want to be at a point where I can look forward and move forward.

I went in for another beta HCG test yesterday morning. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I practically paced the floor all day waiting to hear back about the results. IM sent me a text around 1pm asking if I had heard anything. Neither of us were feeling very patient and the day seemed to be dragging. I finally could not take it anymore so I called the clinic around 3:00. The nurse picked up on her extension right away. She said IM had just called her a few moments before to inquire about the results. Looks like we both reached our limit! Lol. We needed my HCG level to be around 60 to consider the possibility of this being a viable pregnancy. The numbers came back at 133! We were super excited to hear that. I knew my numbers went up but I did not realize it would be that much. The whole way to the clinic that morning I was praying for triple digits. Thank you God for answering that prayer! That gave us the peace of mind we needed. Although, we are not completely out of the woods we do feel more confident in the outcome.

The nurse called back this morning to tell me that RE was very pleased with the results yesterday. He wants me to come back on Sunday to have the levels checked again. They also want to check the progesterone levels. I started the progesterone injections last night. I decided to do it myself. Giving myself the injection was not the problem, it was when I pulled the needle out and blood shot out from the injection site that had me concerned. I did not see any blood in the needle but I was worried that I hit a vessel and injected the oil solution into my bloodstream instead of my muscle. I am not one to get faint at the sight of blood but when I saw that last night I immediately felt light headed and sick to my stomach. I had to lay down for a few minutes. For a little while after that I felt a little shaky. I did ask the nurse about it when she called this morning. She said I probably nicked a vessel when I pulled the needle out. I am sore today but no bruising so it must not have been too bad. Tonight DH gets to do it. Lucky him. Hehe!

I am praying we receive more good news on Sunday. If the results look good then we will get to schedule out first ultrasound. I can't wait!

The word of the day: HOPE!

Sunday I woke up feeling queasy. I decided to take a home pregnancy test(hpt) to see if it would show anything, fully expecting it not to. The test states that the lowest HCG levels it can detect are 25miU. With our level being 16 the day before I thought the level of HCG would still be too low to detect. I was surprised when the test line came up right away. There was no holding it up to the light to see the line or taking it apart and staring at the line intensely. You POAS-aholics know what I am talking about! Lol! No, that line was there. Seeing that gave me renewed hope.

My symptoms have been persistent the past three days. Every day is the same. I wake up around 4:45-5am every morning. My normal wake time is around 6am. For some strange reason I wake really early when I am pregnant. I did the same with all of my pregnancies. It was one of my first indications I was PG with my youngest daughter. I am also starting to have some morning sickness. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I feel like my stomach is unsettled. It gets a little better when I eat something but not completely. I have taken to eating crackers throughout the day to try to curve it. One of my other early indicators is the veins in my breasts. During pregnancy the veins become prominent, otherwise they are hardly visible. All last week leading up to the beta I kept checking my breasts for changes but there were none. On Sunday I notice the veins standing out a bit more. Yesterday morning my breasts had a purple look to them from all of the veins that had surfaced. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture for you? ;-) Okay, no one ever said pregnancy was glamorous. Regardless, I am happy to have it all!

Since the HCG levels have a typical doubling time of 48hrs I decided to test again this morning. I knew that if the levels went up I would be able to notice a difference in the intensity of the line. I was once again pleased to see the line show up immediately. I was ecstatic when I saw how dark the line was. There was no denying the difference between the first test and the second. What do you think?



Between the tests and the symptoms I can't help but to feel hopeful. IPs are continuing to stay positive as well. I am anxious for tomorrows results. Praying for higher numbers all around.

We are still hanging in there!

The results today were unexpected. Good because the HCG level went from 4.6 to 16. It did a little more than triple which is hopeful, but still a low number. The other concern is my progesterone level. At 2.9 it is very low. I spoke to a different nurse today and she was not sympathetic in the least. In a matter of fact way she said she does not believe this to be a viable pregnancy based on the hormone levels. The RE wanted me to start progesterone injections right away. The problem with that is that it is the weekend and I can’t get anything delivered until Monday. The fertility clinic did not have any on hand to give me. None of the local pharmacies had any. For now I will increase the progesterone cream to twice a day instead of the once a day I was doing. I have to return to the clinic on Wednesday and have my levels checked again.

What I want to know is why did they not check my progesterone levels with the first blood draw? I thought it was standard practice to run progesterone levels and estrogen levels along with the beta HCG. I know the previous clinics did. I’m not trying to discredit this clinic I just don’t understand why that part was left out. What if it would have made a difference to start the progesterone injections following the first test? Naturally I am confused and upset over everything that is going on. I want answers so I am looking at this from every possible angle.

We are trying to remain hopeful. I talked to IM today and they are just as confused as I am. We don’t know how to feel to be honest. We were torn because on the one hand the HCG did more than we expected it to. We want to be happy about that but we are worried about the progesterone levels. I wondered if it was possible that the embryo implanted late in the cycle. IPs were thinking along the same lines. We have both been trying to research as much as possible. There is a lot of discouraging reads out there but there are also some that were encouraging. I ready one where a woman started out with and HCG level of 4.3 and she now has a healthy son that resulted from that pregnancy. There were several that had low progesterone and with supplements were able to go on to have a healthy pregnancy. It is possible that we can beat the odds too? With God all things are possible! We will continue to pray for our miracle.

I guess I should start praying for patience as well. Wednesday seems so far away! I want answers and I want to be able to give this family some good news now! The waiting is hard. The not knowing is hard. This whole process leading up to this was difficult enough for all of us but much more so for IPs. Don’t they deserve some good news?

Trying to stay hopeful

So I actually started to get my hopes up. Late Wednesday I had a bout of nausea. Thursday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open all day. I had a little bit of nausea that morning before going in for the beta HCG. I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or if I was finally starting to feel pregnancy symptoms. I tried not to look too much into it. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I got the call around 1:00pm. I was told the results were positive for pregnancy. My excitement was short lived when she added a “but”. We were pregnant but the numbers were extremely low. My heart sank. The nurse said it is looking like a chemical pregnancy. The embryo implanted but likely failed to develop. That is what she is speculating anyway. They want to check my levels again on Saturday. She added that she has never had a patient come in with low numbers like this and have them double, but that I could surprise them. I am trying so hard to be hopeful but it’s not looking good. I have been praying over this ever since I heard the news. I know miracles can happen. We could use a miracle right about now.

Scared

Moment of truth tomorrow! I am a nervous wreck. I want so bad to be able to give IPs good news tomorrow but am fearful that I won’t be able to. I keep waiting for some defining sign of being pregnant. Through my four pregnancies and my surrogacies I have become pretty good at reading my body. I’m just not feeling it this time. I hope to God I am wrong. I have tried very hard to stay positive but it’s hard. I feel absurdly normal right now. I have no symptoms. I did have some cramping from 4dpt to 7dpt. Now it just feels like I am getting ready to start my cycle. I’m sad and I am scared. I am praying for strength, for peace (within myself and with the situation), and most of all I am praying for a miracle! I have already decided I was not going to pursue surrogacy any further if it did not work this time. It is getting to be too much physically and emotionally. Should our results be negative tomorrow and IPs want to try again I will continue with them but when they are done I am done. I have given so much of myself to do this. This has been a part of who I am for the past 3 years. It’s like if I don’t do this I will feel incomplete. I wanted more than anything to help these families. If I feel incomplete I can only image how they feel. I don't want to let them down.

Here we go again!

It’s been awhile! I am happy to say I am continuing my efforts as a surrogate. I was matched with a wonderful couple in November of 2010. When I had first talked to IM on the phone I had an instant feeling that we would be a good match. We had a lot of the same beliefs and feelings about the pregnancy and what type of relationship we would like to have after the birth. We both felt that we could not go through something like this without forming a special bond. While the bond I anticipate having with the baby would not be that of my own child, I do anticipate caring a great deal about my little friend. It is important to me to maintain contact after the baby is born. It’s not just about the baby it’s about watching this family that I helped create grow together.

The process was a bit drawn out this go round. IPs are using a different RE so I had to transfer my complete medical history to the new clinic. I appreciate them being so thorough but it was a lot of information to pull together. They wanted the history from each of my own pregnancies and my surrogacy history. That included 3 different OB’s, 2 different hospitals, and 2 different RE’s. It took months to get it all together. By the time we were done the RE was given a novel of my reproductive life. After reviewing all of my information I was approved as a gestational carrier.

It had been a couple of years since I had my psych evaluation so the RE required that I repeat it. The questionnaire was even better the second time around. Haha! I was able to meet with the same counselor as last time. I am really glad I had the opportunity to talk to her again. I talked to her about my concerns and my hopes. Of course I was nervous given my experiences as a surrogate to date. My biggest fear is letting this family down. I know what is at stake here. I want more than anything to be able to give this family the baby they so want and deserve. I had to work through my issues of feeling like a failure when the previous attempts did not work. I have to believe it is all a part of God’s plan. I still feel like I was lead on this path for a reason and I am determined to see this through. God willing!

This journey was a bit different from the others since this time is a fresh embryo transfer. I was excited for the chance to try a fresh transfer. I definitely had to have a bit more patience this go round. There was no set schedule. I was spoiled with my frozen transfers in that aspect. ;-) At least I knew what to expect and when. When I was given my schedule this time it had the word “tentative” written all over it. I knew this going into it so I was ready for whatever they needed to me to do when they needed me to do it. The medication protocol was different this time as well. I had to do Lupron injections for a month before the retrieval. I had horrible headaches right after starting the injections. I did some research and found out that the Lupron tanks your estrogen levels causing menopause like symptoms. I had the hot flashes and fatigue as well. Not fun! As soon as I started introducing my estrogen patches the headaches began to subside. No progesterone injections this time. I was thankful for that. They have me on Crinone which is a gel. It’s not as bad as the suppositories I was on previously but still not my favorite thing to do. I shouldn’t complain. At least it’s not the shots! I think DH was a bit relieved with that as well.

Everything went well with my appointments. I responded to the medications well. At my first lining check I was all set for transfer. My hormone levels have been great. All I had to do was wait for IM to trigger and have her retrieval. I did not get a chance to talk to her much while we were cycling but I thought of her constantly. I was hoping she was handling the medications well. When we did talk I found out she had the same issues with the Lupron. Other than that she responded fairly well to her meds. There was a slight delay when they did her follicle scan. The first scan showed 8 mature follicles on one ovary and 4 follicles on the other ovary that had not yet matured. She went in a few days later and they said she was still not quite ready to trigger. IM was disappointed in the news. I couldn’t blame her. I tried to stay positive for the both of us. They increased her medications that evening and had her come back the following morning. We got the good news that afternoon that she was ready to trigger. They schedule the egg retrieval/fertilization two days later. They were able to retrieve 18 eggs! We were very excited to have that many to work with, especially considering the concerns we had just a few days before. The only downside was that IM was in pain for a few days following the retrieval. It sounds like they worked very hard to get those eggs. Bless her!

Of the 18 eggs, 11 fertilized. Of the 11, 9 embryos made it to transfer with 7 of them good for transfer. We decided to transfer the 2 best embryos. We had one that was a 4BB and the other was a grade 3 the morning of the transfer. By the time they checked the embryos as we were getting ready to transfer the number two embie was upgraded to a 4BB. We were all elated with the news. The doctor seemed to be pleased as well. DH, IM, and IF got to be in the room with me during the procedure. I loved seeing the looks on their faces. They were so happy. I would love to be there to see their faces when they get their positive pregnancy news. This is me being hopeful and thinking positive thoughts for all of us.

I am currently 5 days past transfer. I am not any more patient than I was with my own two week waits or the previous 2ww as a surrogate. I am trying not to overanalyze every little twinge and pain. Any woman that has been here waiting to find out if she is pregnant knows that that is next to impossible. I can’t say that I am having any real defining symptoms yet. I did wake up feeling shaky and weak yesterday morning. Even after eating something I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling. I felt a little better after taking a nap. Today I have had some sharp pains off and on in my pelvic area. The more I was up and around the worse it got so I decided to cut my task short this afternoon and take it easy. I have not discussed testing with IPs. Of course I am dying to know but I am also fearful of the results if I did test. Our beta is scheduled for Thursday, the 25th. We will see if I can hold out until then.