Is it over yet?

When I got that call on Sunday that the beta hCG levels have stalled and to stop the meds I thought that was it...it was over.  I wondered to myself what the point was of going in on Tuesday to have the levels checked again.  I almost backed out.  I started bleeding that morning.  I thought I was starting to miscarry.  On the one hand it was a sad sight because I knew what it meant.  On the other hand I was thankful that it was happening quick. At least I thought it was.  The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started. 

I went to my appointment certain that the hCG levels had dropped significantly.  If there is one thing this journey has taught me is to not expect anything with any certainty.  Imagine my surprise when I was told I needed to come back to the clinic right away to have an exam because my beta hCG had risen to 205.  The fear now was ectopic.  I made the hour drive back to the clinic to meet with the RE.  We went over the series of events over the past week.  He decided to do an ultrasound to see if he could find any inflammation in the tubes.  He was unable to find anything at all.  There was no visible sac in the uterus nor anything visible in either tube.  He said that it did not mean there was nothing there but likely too small for him to see.  When he walked out he looked back and told me his opinion was that it was not an ectopic pregnancy.  He ordered another beta hCG to make sure the levels had come down from that morning.  My belief is that he took into account that I had some bleeding that morning and concluded that I already started to pass the pregnancy.

It was not until the next morning that the nurse called me with the results.  In the five hours from the first beta to the second the hCG level went from 205 to 234.  Due to the bouncing levels and the fact that there was no visible sac in the uterus it was finally concluded that this is in fact an ectopic pregnancy.  I was told I needed to come in as soon as I could and receive a shot of Methotrexate.  This drug attacks the embryo at a cellular level and stops it from growing.  I did some reading up on it the night before because I wanted to know what would happen if I had to have this shot.  I read what it does and I knew how it worked walking into the clinic, but for some reason when I got there it all hit me at once.  I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  The nurse said there was no way of knowing if there was a healthy baby growing in there but it was absolutely necessary to terminate it for my sake.  I know my health is supposed to come first.  It does.  I made a promise to my family that I would put my health first, but knowing what was going on inside of me, what we had done the moment that shot was injected, made me ill.  I am still struggling with it.  We had no choice, I know.

It's hard to believe all of this happened only yesterday.  I feel like it has been days.  Today especially dragged.  I feel like I am being torn into two.  I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard.  Only my family and close friends know what it really going on.  Everyone else just knows that we were pregnant and we lost it.  Everyone wants to know how I am doing.  I tell them I am doing okay.  I'm lying.  I am a mess of emotions right now but they don't need to know that.  I give my husband a kiss good night and I turn over on my side to cry in silence.  I don't want him to worry.  I don't want my kids to see my pain.  I don't want to be pitied and I don't want to be judged by others.  I'm afraid if I tell them how I really feel it will bring all those emotions to the surface and I will lose it.  I hate crying in front of people.  Talking about it is not exactly therapeutic.  I know people mean well and I appreciate the concern.  I just don't know how to politely say I don't want to talk about it.  That's why when they ask how I am doing I am okay.  I will be okay.       

Let me go back to Thursday evening. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and noticed a spot of of pinkish-brown blood in my underwear. When I cleaned myself I noticed quite a bit more. Between seeing that and the pain I was having in my side I got scared. I did not know what to do so I called the after hours nurse. She said it could be one of three things; leftover blood from implantation, one of the chorionic villi pulling away, or possibly from an ectopic pregnancy. She was more concerned with the pain in my side than the bleeding. She suggested I take some Tylenol and try to get some rest. If things got worse throughout the night I was to go to their ER. She was going to consult with RE in the morning and let me know what he wanted me to do. I was so tired that I had no problem sleeping that night. The pain had mostly subsided by morning. I continued to have brown discharge throughout the day. RE said it sounded like it was old blood left over from implantation. By Saturday I was feeling fine and the spotting had stopped.

Despite what had happened I was feeling confident going in to have my levels checked on Sunday. Unfortunately the news was not good. My hCG level was 142. That was up from 133 on Wednesday. To maintain a normal doubling time my levels should have been over 500. My progesterone was up to 37 which was great but it was a little too late. I was told to stop all meds. They do want me to come back on Tuesday to have my levels checked again. They would still like to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. If my levels continue to bounce around they will give me a shot of Methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy.

My heart is heavy with sadness for the parents but I am trying so hard to keep it together for my family. I can't say I know exactly how IPs are doing right now. I have only talked to them through text messages. They said they were disappointed in the news and they wanted to know how I was doing. They have been amazingly supportive through this. I hope I was able to offer the same support to them. I wanted so much for this to work for them. I thought it was going to work this time. I feel like I just got off another roller coaster. I don't understand how this keeps happening. I have been reassured over and over that it's not me. I have had three different REs tell me as much. But why does this keep happening? Why do we always wind up in this same spot? I realize each situation was different and it's hard to compare them but the result is still the same. These families are still without a baby. I'm not saying I am giving up hope. Right now I am just trying to process everything that has happened over the past few weeks, especially this past week. I am certainly not giving up. There is a possibility we will try again with their frozen embryos. I was told by the nurse that there were two that made it to freeze. Once we get the results from Tuesday, pending everything checks out okay, IPs will have a consultation appointment with RE. Hopefully I will be cleared to continue and we won't have to wait too long before we can try again.

I am still having some pregnancy symptoms which does not make this any easier. I am a little scared of what will happen when I start to miscarry. The last miscarriage was awful. I don't want to go through that again. I am praying this time will be easier. I am not as far along as last time so hopefully that will make a difference. The anticipation of when I will start is nerve wracking. I want it to hurry up and happen so I can get it over with. It is hard to find peace with all that has happened when it is still happening. I want to be at a point where I can look forward and move forward.

I went in for another beta HCG test yesterday morning. I had my blood draw around 9:30am. I practically paced the floor all day waiting to hear back about the results. IM sent me a text around 1pm asking if I had heard anything. Neither of us were feeling very patient and the day seemed to be dragging. I finally could not take it anymore so I called the clinic around 3:00. The nurse picked up on her extension right away. She said IM had just called her a few moments before to inquire about the results. Looks like we both reached our limit! Lol. We needed my HCG level to be around 60 to consider the possibility of this being a viable pregnancy. The numbers came back at 133! We were super excited to hear that. I knew my numbers went up but I did not realize it would be that much. The whole way to the clinic that morning I was praying for triple digits. Thank you God for answering that prayer! That gave us the peace of mind we needed. Although, we are not completely out of the woods we do feel more confident in the outcome.

The nurse called back this morning to tell me that RE was very pleased with the results yesterday. He wants me to come back on Sunday to have the levels checked again. They also want to check the progesterone levels. I started the progesterone injections last night. I decided to do it myself. Giving myself the injection was not the problem, it was when I pulled the needle out and blood shot out from the injection site that had me concerned. I did not see any blood in the needle but I was worried that I hit a vessel and injected the oil solution into my bloodstream instead of my muscle. I am not one to get faint at the sight of blood but when I saw that last night I immediately felt light headed and sick to my stomach. I had to lay down for a few minutes. For a little while after that I felt a little shaky. I did ask the nurse about it when she called this morning. She said I probably nicked a vessel when I pulled the needle out. I am sore today but no bruising so it must not have been too bad. Tonight DH gets to do it. Lucky him. Hehe!

I am praying we receive more good news on Sunday. If the results look good then we will get to schedule out first ultrasound. I can't wait!