Let me go back to Thursday evening. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and noticed a spot of of pinkish-brown blood in my underwear. When I cleaned myself I noticed quite a bit more. Between seeing that and the pain I was having in my side I got scared. I did not know what to do so I called the after hours nurse. She said it could be one of three things; leftover blood from implantation, one of the chorionic villi pulling away, or possibly from an ectopic pregnancy. She was more concerned with the pain in my side than the bleeding. She suggested I take some Tylenol and try to get some rest. If things got worse throughout the night I was to go to their ER. She was going to consult with RE in the morning and let me know what he wanted me to do. I was so tired that I had no problem sleeping that night. The pain had mostly subsided by morning. I continued to have brown discharge throughout the day. RE said it sounded like it was old blood left over from implantation. By Saturday I was feeling fine and the spotting had stopped.

Despite what had happened I was feeling confident going in to have my levels checked on Sunday. Unfortunately the news was not good. My hCG level was 142. That was up from 133 on Wednesday. To maintain a normal doubling time my levels should have been over 500. My progesterone was up to 37 which was great but it was a little too late. I was told to stop all meds. They do want me to come back on Tuesday to have my levels checked again. They would still like to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. If my levels continue to bounce around they will give me a shot of Methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy.

My heart is heavy with sadness for the parents but I am trying so hard to keep it together for my family. I can't say I know exactly how IPs are doing right now. I have only talked to them through text messages. They said they were disappointed in the news and they wanted to know how I was doing. They have been amazingly supportive through this. I hope I was able to offer the same support to them. I wanted so much for this to work for them. I thought it was going to work this time. I feel like I just got off another roller coaster. I don't understand how this keeps happening. I have been reassured over and over that it's not me. I have had three different REs tell me as much. But why does this keep happening? Why do we always wind up in this same spot? I realize each situation was different and it's hard to compare them but the result is still the same. These families are still without a baby. I'm not saying I am giving up hope. Right now I am just trying to process everything that has happened over the past few weeks, especially this past week. I am certainly not giving up. There is a possibility we will try again with their frozen embryos. I was told by the nurse that there were two that made it to freeze. Once we get the results from Tuesday, pending everything checks out okay, IPs will have a consultation appointment with RE. Hopefully I will be cleared to continue and we won't have to wait too long before we can try again.

I am still having some pregnancy symptoms which does not make this any easier. I am a little scared of what will happen when I start to miscarry. The last miscarriage was awful. I don't want to go through that again. I am praying this time will be easier. I am not as far along as last time so hopefully that will make a difference. The anticipation of when I will start is nerve wracking. I want it to hurry up and happen so I can get it over with. It is hard to find peace with all that has happened when it is still happening. I want to be at a point where I can look forward and move forward.