When I got that call on Sunday that the beta hCG levels have stalled and to stop the meds I thought that was it...it was over. I wondered to myself what the point was of going in on Tuesday to have the levels checked again. I almost backed out. I started bleeding that morning. I thought I was starting to miscarry. On the one hand it was a sad sight because I knew what it meant. On the other hand I was thankful that it was happening quick. At least I thought it was. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started.
I went to my appointment certain that the hCG levels had dropped significantly. If there is one thing this journey has taught me is to not expect anything with any certainty. Imagine my surprise when I was told I needed to come back to the clinic right away to have an exam because my beta hCG had risen to 205. The fear now was ectopic. I made the hour drive back to the clinic to meet with the RE. We went over the series of events over the past week. He decided to do an ultrasound to see if he could find any inflammation in the tubes. He was unable to find anything at all. There was no visible sac in the uterus nor anything visible in either tube. He said that it did not mean there was nothing there but likely too small for him to see. When he walked out he looked back and told me his opinion was that it was not an ectopic pregnancy. He ordered another beta hCG to make sure the levels had come down from that morning. My belief is that he took into account that I had some bleeding that morning and concluded that I already started to pass the pregnancy.
It was not until the next morning that the nurse called me with the results. In the five hours from the first beta to the second the hCG level went from 205 to 234. Due to the bouncing levels and the fact that there was no visible sac in the uterus it was finally concluded that this is in fact an ectopic pregnancy. I was told I needed to come in as soon as I could and receive a shot of Methotrexate. This drug attacks the embryo at a cellular level and stops it from growing. I did some reading up on it the night before because I wanted to know what would happen if I had to have this shot. I read what it does and I knew how it worked walking into the clinic, but for some reason when I got there it all hit me at once. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The nurse said there was no way of knowing if there was a healthy baby growing in there but it was absolutely necessary to terminate it for my sake. I know my health is supposed to come first. It does. I made a promise to my family that I would put my health first, but knowing what was going on inside of me, what we had done the moment that shot was injected, made me ill. I am still struggling with it. We had no choice, I know.
It's hard to believe all of this happened only yesterday. I feel like it has been days. Today especially dragged. I feel like I am being torn into two. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. Only my family and close friends know what it really going on. Everyone else just knows that we were pregnant and we lost it. Everyone wants to know how I am doing. I tell them I am doing okay. I'm lying. I am a mess of emotions right now but they don't need to know that. I give my husband a kiss good night and I turn over on my side to cry in silence. I don't want him to worry. I don't want my kids to see my pain. I don't want to be pitied and I don't want to be judged by others. I'm afraid if I tell them how I really feel it will bring all those emotions to the surface and I will lose it. I hate crying in front of people. Talking about it is not exactly therapeutic. I know people mean well and I appreciate the concern. I just don't know how to politely say I don't want to talk about it. That's why when they ask how I am doing I am okay. I will be okay.
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